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A    BACHELOR    OF    ARTS 

IN       TWO       ACTS. 

WRITTEN    BY 

PELHAM    HARDWICKE. 


ORIGINAL    CASTS,   COSTUMES,   AND    Tliii    WHOLE    OF    THE    STAGE 

BUSINESS,  CORRECTLY   MARiCED   AND   ARRANGED,  BY 

MR.  J.  B.  -WRIGHT,  ASSISTANT  MANAGER 

05"  Tin:  BOSTON  THEATRE. 


NEW   YORK: 
SAMUEL  ERENCTT,   PUBLTSHER, 

122  N,\S'3AU  ST::r.r.T    !''="  i^i'A:^-^'-) 


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A    BACHELOR    OP    ARTS. 


ACT  I. 

Scene  I.  —  A  handsomely  furnished  Apartment  in  Mr.  Thohntoji's 
House,  3  and  5  G.  c.  doors  open,  hacked  by  chamber ;  set  doors,  n. 
and  L.  2  E. ;  table  on  E.  n.,  with  pens,  inkstand,  and  portfolio  of 
vaper ;  arm  chair  on  R.  H. ;  table  on  L.  H.,  loith  embroidery  and 
newspaper;  two  chairs  on  L.  H.  ;  two  chairs  on  R.  H.  ;  sofa  on  3  E. 
L.  H.  Adolpiius  discovered  loriting  at  table  on  R.  h.,  and  Emma. 
embroidering  at  table  on  l.  n. 

Emma.     (l.  h.)     Well,  but,  Adulplius 

Adol.     (r.  h.)     Now,  be  quiet. 

Emma.     What  are  you  so  busy  about,  Dolly  ? 

Adol.    Don't  call  me  Dolly  ;  you  know  I  hate  it ! 

Emma.     Eut  what  are  you  doing  ? 

Adol.     I'm  at  work  ! 

Emma.     What  at  ? 

Adol.     A  French  exercise  ! 

Emma.  O  !  (SAe  rises  softly,  crosses  to  R.  ii.,  peeps  over  his  shoul' 
der,  reads.')     "  Angelic  girl  !  " 

Adol.     (^Angrily.)     Emma,  how  dare  you  ? 

Emma.     Do  you  call  that  French  ? 

Adol.     It's  a  passage  I'm  translating  from  Milton's  Paradise  Lost ! 

Emma.     It's  more  like  Paradise  Found,  I  think. 

Adol.     {Rising.)     Nonsense  !  don't  be  such  a  little  fool ! 

Emma.     Have  you  finished  ? 

Adol.     Yes,  I  have;  now,  what  do  you  Avant? 

Emma.  Well,  I've  been  all  the  morning  trying  to  guess  what  can 
be  the  reason  that  papa  has  sent  away  your  old  tutor,  Mr.  Greenfinch. 

Adol.  Well,  there's  no  very  great  difficulty  in  guessing  that. 
Why,  because  I'm  eighteen  years  old  —  because  I'm  a  man,  and  don't 
require 

Emma.  A  man!  well  done,  Dolly!  a  pretty  man,  indeed! 
Where's  your  beard  ? 

Adol.     It's  coming  very  fast. 

Emma.     Is  it  ?     I  haven't  seen  a  single  sprout  yet ! 

C3) 


4  A    BACHELOR    OF  AHTS.  [ACT    I. 

Adol.     No,  of  course  not ;  because  I  shaA'e  them  off. 

Emma.  Shave  !  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  No,  no,  don't  flatter  yourself,  my 
dear  Dolly  ;  you're  not  out  of  leading  strings  yet,  as  you'll  find  very 
soon. 

Adol.     What  do  you  mean  ? 

Emma.     I  mean  that  papa  is  looking  out  for  another  tutor  for  you. 

Adol.     Who  told  you  so  ? 

Emma.  This  newspaper.  (^Gives  "  Tunes "  from  table,  L.  H.) 
There,  read  that. 

Adol.     {Reading.')     "  Wanted,  a  wet  nurse  with  a " 

Emma.     No,  no,  not  that ;  there.     {Pointing  to  advertisement.") 

Adol.  (Reading.)  "  Wanted,  a  tutor  for  a  boy  of  eighteen;  he 
must  be  a  B.  A.  of  Oxford  or  Cambridge.  Apply  to  Mr.  Thornton, 
Westbourne  Terrace,  Hyde  Park." 

Emttia.     Well,  what  do  you  say  to  that  ? 

Adol.  Say  ?  it's  ridiculous  !  a  boy,  indeed  J  one  would  suppose  I 
was  only  twelve  years  old  ;  but,  by  Jove,  1'Li.ead  the  B.  A.  a  pretty 
life,  whoever  he  may  be.  I'll  worry  his  soul  out  of  him.  It's  mon- 
strous ! 

Emma.     Now  don't  get  into  a  passion,  Dolly. 

Adol.  But  I  will  get  into  a  passion.  I'll  go  to  my  father  directly, 
and  tell  him  plainly 

Emma.     No,  no  ;  he  has  given  orders  that  he  is  not  to  be  disturbed. 

Adol.     What's  that  for  ? 

Emma.  I  don't  know.  He  received  a  letter  this  morning,  from 
Liverpool,  I  think,  Avhich  quite  put  him  out,  and  has  been  closeted  in 
his  study  ever  since. 

Adol.     The  dense  he  has ! 

Mat.     {Without,  d.  r.  h.  2  e.)     Yes,  sir;  directly,  sir. 

Emma.  Here  comes  old  Matthew;  I'll  see  if  I  can't  get  some 
intelligence  out  of  him. 

Enter  Matthew,  d.  2  e.  r.  h. 

Emma.     Matthew ! 

Mat.     Yes,  miss. 

Emma.  Did  papa  want  any  thing  particular  when  he  rang  just 
now ' 

Mat.     Your  pa's  going  to  Liverpool  by  the  first  train,  miss. ' 

Emma.     O,  indeed  !     Come  along,  Dolly  ;  I  want  you. 

Adol.  In  a  moment  !  {Exit,  d.  2  e.  l.  h.,  quickly.)  Matthew, 
take  this  letter  to  the  post  for  me,  there's  a  good  fellow.  {Gives 
note.) 

Mat.     Yes,  sir. 

Emma.     {Without,  2  e.  l.  h.)     Are  vou  coming,  Dolly  ? 

Adol.     O,  Dolly  be  d— d  ! 

Mat.     O,  don't  swear.  Master  Adolphus  ;  it's  a  shocking  bad  habit ! 

Adol.     Bother  !  {Exit,  d.  2  e.  l.  ii.) 

Mat.  {Reading  the  address.)  "  For  Miss  Arabella  Mountstuart, 
Heartease  Cottage,  Old  Brompton."  This  is  about  the  twentieth 
letter  I've  posted  to  that  address  in  the  coiu-ge  of  the  last  month. 


SCENE    I.]  A    BACHELOR   OP   ARTS. 


Enter  Harry  Jasper,  c.  d.  e.  ii. 

Jasp.  (l.  n.,  examining  the  room  loith  his  eije  glass.)  By  Jove, 
how  singular  ! 

Mat.     (R.  H.)     Hallo  !  who's  this  ?  —  (To  him.)     Well,  sir  ? 

Jasp.     Is  Jlr.  Thornton  here  ? 

Mat,     He  is  engaged,  sir. 

Jasp,     Very  well ;  I'll  wait. 

Mat,     But  don't  I  tell  you  he's 

Jasp,     And  don't  I  tell  you  I'll  wait  ? 

Mat.     What  may  your  name  be,  sir  ? 

Jasp,     That's  my  business ! 

2,Iat,     But  I  must  announce 

Jasp.     "  But "  Mr.  Thornton  doesn't  know  me  ! 

Mat.     But  it's  usiial  to 

Jasp.  O,  very  well ;  if  you  insist,  say  that  Mr.  John,  Thomas, 
William,  Samuel,  Peter,  James,  Philip,  Henry,  Luke,  Timothy,  Paul, 
David,  Obadiah,  Zachariah,  Elijah 

Mat.  (^Interrupting  him.)  But,  sir,  I  shall  never  be  able  to 
recollect. 

Jasp,  What  do  you  ask  for,  if  you  can't  recollect  ?  That's  your 
business  ;  don't  announce  me.     That's  just  what  I  wish. 

Mat,  (^Aside,  going,  r.  h.)  Well,  I'm  hanged  if  he  ain't  a  droll 
Tin !  {Exit,  D.  2  e.  r.  h.) 

Jasp.  {Looking  at  the  room.)  The  room's  exactly  like  all  other 
rooms.  Nothing  uncommon,  nothing  extraordinary,  nothing  indica- 
tive of  singularity.  It's  very  odd  —  furniture  same  as  usual,  easy  chair 
same  as  usual  —  {sitting)  —  it's  very  odd 

Reenter  Matthew,  d.  2  e.  r.  n. 

Mat,     Master  says  you  are  to  wait.  {Exit,  c.  d.  l.  h.) 

Jasp,  Servants  ugly  and  impudent  as  usual  !  It's  quite  clear  I've 
made  a  mistake  altogether,  and  shan't  have  the  fun  I  expected  here. 
{Rising.)  I  thought  I  was  coming  to  some  antediluvian  place, 
where I've  a  great  mind  to  decamp  at  once. 

Add.     (IVithout,  c.  L.  H.)     Very  well,  Matthew,  very  well. 

Jasp.     Eh  ?     I  know  that  voice  ! 

Enter  Adderly,  c.  d.  l.  h. 

Add.  Jasper  !  why,  what  the  dense  can  you  be  doing  here,  my 
dear  fellow  ? 

Jasp.  I  ?  Nothing  !  What  are  you  doing  here,  if  you  come  to 
that  ? 

Add.     O,  I'm  a  friend  of  the  family. 

Jasp.  Then  allow  me  to  entertain  the  worst  opinion  of  the  house  ? 
A  queer  lot,  eh  ? 

Add,  Quite  the  reverse,  sir.  They're  a  first-rate  lot,  as  you  call 
them. 

Jasp,     Oddities,  ain't  they  ? 
1* 


6  A    BACHELOR    OF   ARTS.  [ACT    I. 

Add.  Not  the  least  in  the  world.  Thornton  is  a  sensible  man  — 
a  retired  city  merchant.  Gives  capital  dinners,  has  a  capital  cellar  of 
Mine,  and  an  income,  they  say,  of  4000^.  a  year. 

Jasp.     Any  children  ? 

Add.  By  the  first  marriage.  A  charming  young  wife,  full  of  sen- 
timent, eyes  like  loadstars,  and  as  coquettish  as  you  please.  The  son, 
eighteen,  is  a  fine  fellow,  very  green,  somewhat  enthusiastic ;  the 
daughter,  a  pretty  Uttle  innocent,  fresh  from  boarding  school  —  a 
perfect  Phccbe. 

Jasp.     That  will  do.     Good  by  !     (^Going.) 

Add.     You  are  not  going : 

Jasp.     Yes,  I  am.     You've  settled  my  business. 

Add.     I !     How  ? 

Jasp.  From  the  moment  !Mr.  Thornton  and  his  family  belong  to 
the  common  race  of  mortals,  my  business  here  is  ended.  They  are 
too  respectable  for  me. 

Add.     What  do  you  mean  ?     "What  did  you  come  here  for  ? 

Jasp.     To  be  kicked  out ! 

Add.     AVhat ! 

Jasp).  I  did,  upon  my  honor  !  The  fact  is,  having  passed  two 
nights  in  succession  going  to  bed  at  twelve,  sleeping  till  eight  in  the 
morning,  like  any  other  mechanical  being  who  pays  his  rent  and  eats 
four  meals  a  day,  I  said  to  myself  when  I  woke  up,  "  This  vn\\  never 
do,  mj-  friend  Harry  Jasper  ;  you're  degenerating  —  you're  becoming 
a  very  commonplace  sort  of  person.  You  must  have  some  excite- 
ment, my  boy."  So  I  took  up  "  The  Times"  and  began  to  look  over 
the  advertisements. 

Add.  (^Laughinrj.)  That  was  an  excitement,  indeed  !  What  a 
queer  idea ! 

Jasp.  Queer  !  Yon  don't  know  what  you  are  talking  about.  The 
advertisements  in  "The  Times"  are  the  last  new  map  of  humanity. 
^A'here  else  will  you  find  such  a  picture  of  the  world  —  of  the  ups 
and  downs  of  existence,  the  ins  and  outs  of  social  hfer  No  theories, 
no  paradoxes,  nothing  but  bare  facts.  ^Man's  hopes,  wants,  miseries  ; 
his  schemes  of  ambition,  the  dreams  he  forms,  the  snares  that  are  laid 
for  him,  all  set  forth  in  battle  array —  column  after  column  !  AVhy, 
it's  the  vade  mecun  of  half  mankind  —  the  polestar  of  the  world  of 
business  —  the  providence  of  sei-\-ants  out  of  place  —  the  tutelary 
angel  of  thirsty  babies  and  hungry  nurses  —  the  charlatan's  trumpet, 
and  the  tradesman's  Parnassus,  from  whence,  mounting  his  Pegasus, 
at  the  rate  of  a  shilling  a  mile,  he  can  see  his  name,  his  address,  and 
the  super-superlative  description  of  his  supcr-super-superlative  wares 
wafted  clown  the  stream  of  time  to  the  latest  posterity. 

Add.  Well,  certamly,  viewed  in  that  light,  it  is  not  so  uninterest- 
ing a  study. 

Jasp.  i  should  think  not,  indeed.  But  to  return.  Looking  over 
the  advertisements  this  morning,  the  following  words  struck  my  eye  : 
"Wanted,  a  tutor  for  a  boy  of  eighteen  ;  he  must  be  a  B.  A.  from 
Oxford  or  Cambridge.  Apply  to  Mr.  Thornton,  AVestbourne  Terrace, 
Hyde  Park."  "  Wanted  a  tutor" — the  old-fashioned  plainness  of 
the  phraseology  struck  me  at  once.     "  A  boy  of  eighteen,"  too,  in  an 


6CLNE    I.]  A    BACHELOK    OF   AUTS.  7 

age  when  we're  all  young  gentlemen  before  we're  fourteen  !  —  this  is 
the  man  for  my  money,  I  said  ;  daddy  Thornton,  a  dear  old  twaddle ! 
and  I  mark  him  for  my  own.  Bless  his  old  frosty  poU,  his  antedi- 
luvian pigtail,  and  his  venerable  shoe  buckles  !  AVith  them  will  I 
divert  myself  until  further  notice.  He  shall  have  a  tutor,  a  B.  A., 
and  here  he  is  ! 

Add.  What  !  Do  you  mean  to  say  you  are  come  to  answer  the 
advertisement  ?     Ha,  ha,  ha  !  what  a  joke  !     So  you  expected  to  find 

a  stupid  old Ha,  ha  !     Instead  of  which  you  find  a Ha, 

ha,  ha ! 

Jasp,  Exactly  ;  so  my  joke's  knocked  on  the  head;  and^ere  I  go. 
Good  by  !     (^Going  up  c.) 

Enter  Mr.  Thoentox,  d.  e.  h.  2  e. 

Thorn.  (^Coldly.)  Mr.  Adderly,  good  morning.  —  (7b  Jasper.) 
1  presume,  sir,  you  are  the  gentleman  who  has  done  me  the  honor 
to ■ 

Jasp.     I !     O,  dear,  no.     I 

Add.  O  !  yes,  certainly,  yes.  This  is  Mr.  Thornton,  for  whom 
you  were  inquuing.  This  gentleman  was  just  saying  he  wished  to 
speak  to  you.  —  (Aside.)     Ha,  ha,  ha  ! 

Jasp.     (Aside.)     You  villain  ! 

Thorn.  Excuse  me  for  having  detained  j'ou  ;  but  being  about  to 
leave  London  directly,  I 

Jasp.  You  haven't  time  to  attend  to  me;  of  course  not.  Pray 
don't  mention  it ;  good  morning  !     (Going.) 

Thorn.  (Detaining  him.)  Not  so  ;  I  am  now  quite  at  hberty,  and 
entirely  at  your  ser\'ice. 

Jasp.  (Aside.)  Confound  it !  a  quiet,  good  sort  of  man,  too.  I'm 
quite  ashamed  of  myself. 

Thorn.  (To  Adderly.)  Mr.  Adderly,  your  visit,  no  doubt,  was 
intended  to  ^Mrs.  Thornton.  You  will  tind  the  ladies  in  the  drawing 
room. 

Add.  Thank  ye!  with  your  permission.  —  (Aside  to  Jasper.) 
Ha,  ha,  ha  !  poor  Harry,  get  yourself  out  of  this  if  you  can. 

(Exit,  D.  2  E.  L.  11.) 

Jasp.  (Aside.)  I'll  pay  him  off  fd?  it !  No  shoe  buckles  ;  I'm 
deused  sorry  I  came. 

Thorn.  Now,  sir,  I  am  at  your  service.  (Offers  chair;  they 
sit.) 

Jasp.  (h.  c,  aside.)  If  he  had  but  even  a  little  bit  of  a  pigtail. 
—  (Aloud.)  I  beUeve,  sii-,  you  have  advertised  in  "  The  Timus  "  for 
a  tutor. 

Thorn,  (l.  c.)  I  have,  sir.  At  first  sight  it  may  appear  strange ;  but, 
on  reflection,  I  am  sine  you  will  approve  of  my  reason  for  prefcning 
an  advertisement  to  the  recommendation  of  a  friend ;  instead  of  being 
obliged  to  accept  a  tutor  upon  faith,  or  run  the  risk  of  affronting  my 
friend  by  rejecting  his  prottgit,  I  am  thus  my  own  master.  I  can 
frankly  interrogate  each  candidate  myself,  and  can  bow  him  out  with- 
out ceremony,  L*'  ho  thouldn't  happen  to  suit  me. 


8  A    BACHELOR    OF   ARTS.  [aCT    I. 

Jasp.  (^Aside.")  Now  to  get  myself  kicked  out  as  soon  as  pos- 
sible. —  {To  him.)  Well,  then,  sir,  I  am  come  to  offer  you  my  ser- 
vices. 

Thorn.  You,  sir  ?  I  should  scarcely  have  thought  —  with  your 
appearance  and  your  age 

Jasp.  "We  won't  talk  of  my  age  !  I  am  eight  and  twenty,  and  my 
appearance  is  good.     Let  us  rather  talk  of  my  qualifications. 

Thorn.  You  have  qualifications,  then-  Have  you  taken  your 
degree  ? 

Jasp.  Sir,  I  am  not  only  a  bachelor,  but  a  Master  of  Arts.  As  to 
my  quaUfications 

Thorn.     Perhaps  you  will  enumerate  them. 

Jasp.  By  all  means  !  I  can  run  a  race  ■«-ith  Tommy  Lye,  train 
a  three  year  old  with  John  Scott,  put  on  the  gloves  with  Alec  Reed, 
snuif  a  candle  with  a  pistol  ball  at  twelve  paces 

Thorn.     Sir 

Jasp.  Fence  with  Angclo,  give  the  bench  marker  seven  at  rackets, 
and  beat  him,  dance  ^^•ith  St.  Leon,  play  billiards  ^\•ith  Y'oung  Jon- 
athan, and  blind-hookey  with  a  Lisle  Street  banker. 

Thorn.  [After  steadfastly  regarding  him  for  a  motnent.)  Really, 
sir,  I  cannot  but  appreciate  so  varied  an  assemblage  of  accomplish- 
ments ;  still,  I  must  confess  to  you  that  you  are  not  exactly  the  sort 
of  tutor  I  had  intended  for  my  son. 

Jasp.     {Aside.)     I  should  think  not ! 

Thorn.     At  the  same  time  I  —  really  I  —— 

Jasp.  (Aside.)  He  doesn't  know  how  to  get  rid  of  me.  —  I  see, 
sir,  1  have  not  the  good  fortune  to  suit  you.     Good  morning  f 

Thorn.  No,  I  don't  exactly  say  that ;  only  perhaps  you  ^vill  be  so 
good  as  to  leave  me  your  address,  and  I'U  consider  of  it. 

Jasp.  Certainly;  by  all  means.  (Takes  out  card  case. —  To  him- 
self.)    He's  a  pohte  old  soul.     I  won't  hoax  him  any  further. 

Thorn.  (^Aside.)  I'm  not  a  little  curious  to  know  this  joker's 
name. 

Jasp.  (Giving  card.)  That  Ls  my  card ;  delighted  to  have  made 
your  acquaintance.     Good  morning,  sir  ! 

Tleorn.  (Looking  at  card.)  Good  Heavens  !  "  "Six.  Henry  Jas- 
per 1  "  —  (Aloud.)     Stay,  sir. 

Jasp.     (Upstage.)     Eh: 

Thorn.  (Aside.)  Why,  it's  impossible,  and  yet  —  (taking  letter 
quickly  from  his  pocket,  and  glancing  at  it.)  It  must  be  he.  —  (To 
Jasper.)     One  word  more,  if  you  please  ! 

Jasp.  (Coming  doicn.)  Certainly.  Y'ou  haven't  altered  your 
mind,  I  presume : 

Thorn.  Well,  I  don't  know.  On  second  thoughts  you  really  do 
possess  many  qualities  !  Riding  and  fencing  are  by  no  means  useless 
acquirements.  —  (.Suddenly.)     Can  you  swim  r 

Jasp.  (Bather  posed  at  first,  but  recovering  his  audacity,  to  himself.) 
He's  having  a  turn  at  me  now. — (To  him.)  Swim!  ,1  should 
rather  think  so  ;  why,  during  the  late  heavy  floods  at  Oxford,  I 
rescued  a  brick  house  from  drowning  I 

Thorn.     Good  1     Do  vou  draw  ; 


SCENE    I.]  A    BACHELOR    OF   AKTS.  9 

Jasp,     "SVith  a  long  bow  r 

Thorn.     Xo  ;  I'lom  nature  ? 

Jasp.     Beautiful! J'  —  with  a  daguerreotj-pe. 

Thorn.     Of  course  you're  a  musician  ? 

Jasp.     I  play  a  little  on  the  bassoon. 

Thorn.  The  instrument  that  apj^roaches  most  nearly  to  the  human 
voice. 

Jasp.     Yes,  the  human  voice,  when  it  has  got  a  cold  ! 

Thorn.  Gayety  and  wit  combined  !  I  don't  see  what  more  I 
could  desire. 

Jasp.      (^Astonished.)     Eh  ? 

Thorn.  I  have  made  up  my  mind,  sir.  You  will  suit  me  ad- 
mirabl}'. 

Jasp.     What !  suit  you  ? 

Thorn.     Exactly. 

Jasp.  (^As'de.)  The  hoax  continues  !  —  (Aloud.)  I  beg  your 
pardon ;  but  before  accepting  so  onerous  an  appointment  as  that  of 
tutor,  it  is  the  duty  of  every  honest  man  to  lot  his  character  be 
thoroughly  known. 

Thorn.     Your  remark,  in  itself,  betokens  a  good  and  loyal  heart. 

Jasp.  I  must  confess  to  you,  then,  that  the  moral  and  intellectual 
part  of  my  education  has  become  considerably  rusted  from  want 
of  use. 

Thorn.  "With  intelligence  and  right  feeling,  that  is  a  defect  easily 
repaired. 

Jasp.  But,  unfortunately,  that  is  not  all !  For  the  last  seven  years 
I  have  led  a  most  dissipated  life 

Thorn.     Good ! 

Jasp.     I've  gambled  like  the  devD.! 

Tliorn.     Very  good  ! 

Jasp.     And  always  lost. 

Thorn.     So  much  the  better.     Go  on. 

Jasp.  I've  fought  duels,  been  desperately  wounded,  run  through 
a  large  fortune,  and  am,  at  this  moment,  a  ruined  man ;  with  which  I 
have  the  honor  of  wishing  you  good  morning.     (lUsinj  a[jain.) 

Thorn.  (Placing  Jiis  hand  upon  his  shoulder,  and  pressing  him  down 
in  his  seat.)     Excellent !  my  dear  sir,  excellent ! 

,7asp.     What  !   doesn't  all  this  frighten  you  ? 

Thorn.     Just  the  contrary  ! 

Jasp.     Why,  only  a  few  moments  ago,  you 

Thorn.  A  few  moments  ago  I  took  you  for  a  facetious  wag,  and 
did  not  know  which  to  admire  most,  your  impertinence  or  your  bad 
taste ;  but  I  have  gradually  become  enlightened  as  to  the  high  grasp 
of  your  views 

Jasj).     (Mystified.)     The  high  grasp  r 

Thorn.  Of  course  you  have  evidently  thought  deeply  on  the  sub- 
ject. You  have  reflected  that  a  young  man,  fresh  from  school  or  col- 
lege, can  be  but  little  in  want  of  Latin  or  Greek ;  but,  what  he  is  in 
want  of  is,  knowledge  of  the  world  —  that  acquaintance  with  life 
and  its  usages  which  is  essential  for  entering  into  society.  My  son, 
for  instance,  ought  to  be  perfectly  master  of  riding,   fencing,   and 


10  A    BACHELOE,    OF    AKTS.  [ACT    I. 

shooting  ;  he  should  even  learn  to  box,  for  do  we  not  meet  with  im- 
posing toll  keepers  and  insolent  cabmen  at  eveiy  turning  r  And  as 
he  can't  call  them  out,  he  should  be  able  to  knock  them  doAvn. 

Jcisp.     {Aside.)     What  the  dense  is  he  driving  at  ? 

Thorn.  Yes,  sir,  I  say  I  now  perfectly  comprehend  you,  and  that 
M'hich  above  all  has  decided  me  in  your  favor  is  the  intimate  practical 
acquaintance  you  have  with  every  species  of  vice  and  chicanery. 

Jasp.     What !  you  are  not  afraid  of  risking  the  example  of 

Thorn.  Your  past  life  ?  Certainly  not ;  it  forms  the  very  essence 
of  your  utility  ;  for  you  will  make  a  magnificent  finger  post  to  warn 
my  boy  against  the  dangers  you  have  encountered.  The  worn-doAvn 
libertine,  the  ruined  gambler,  the  unsuccessful  duellist,  will  be  doubly 
able  to  point  out  the  paths  of  wisdom,  prudence,  and  economy.  And 
when,  in  furtherance  of  your  counsels,  you  show  him  your  scarred 
breast,  your  ruined  prospects,  your  empty  purse,  and  your  withered 
heart,  he  must,  he  cannot  but  believe  you.     {CooUi/.)     Is  it  not  so  ? 

Jasp.     AVell,  certainly  —  I 

Thorn.     Y'ou  see  I  now  perfectly  imderstand  you. 

Jasp.     {Aside.)     I  wonder  which  of  us  is  hoaxing  the  other  ? 

Thorn.  I  must  now  tell  you  that  I  am  about  to  start  for  Liverpool. 
(Jasper  sta7-ts.)     Do  you  know  Liverpool  ? 

Jasp.  Y'es,  slightly.  I  left  it  six  years  ago:  my  family  —  my 
father  resides  there  still. 

Thorn.  (Aside.)  O,  there's  no  longer  any  doubt  !  It's  he  !  — 
(Aloud.)  1  am  going  to  pay  a  visit  there,  Avhich  may  very  probably 
be  prolonged  a  month  or  six  weeks  ;  and  I  shall  be  glad  to  be  able  to 
leave  a  trustworthy  and  confidential  friend  here  in  my  absence. 

Jasp.  {Astonished.)  A  trusworthy  and  conf —  ^\  hy,  you  don't 
mean  me  ? 

Thorn.     Yes,  you ! 

Jasp.  O,  come,  come,  Mr.  Thornton,  let's  be  frank  with  each 
other.  You  have  some  private  reason  behind  the  curtain  for  all  this. 
It's  not  natural. 

Thorn.     Well,  I  have  a  reason,  Mr.  Jasper. 

Jasp.     {Liffht/i/.)     I  thought  so.     May  I  inquire  what  it  is  ? 

Thorn.  If  j'ou  don't  accept  my  offer  it  is  unnecessary  that  you 
should  know  it.     If  you  do,"  I  will  inform  you  before  I  start. 

Jas]}.     {Aside,  astonished.)     O  ! 

Enter  Mattheav,  c.  d.  l.  h. 

Mat.     If  you  please,  sir 

Thorn,     Well,  why  do  you  intcrruj^t  me  when  I'm  engaged  ? 

Mat.  {Aside  to  him.)  Mr.  Wylie  is  here,  and  says  he  must  see 
you,  sir. 

Thorn.  {Aside.)  That  man  again!  —  {To  Matthew.)  I'll  be 
with  him  directly.  {Exit  Matthew,  c.  d.  l.  h.)  I  am  obliged  to 
leave  j-ou  for  a  few  minutes,  Mr.  Jasper.  Reflect  on  my  proposal, 
and  let  mo  know  your  determination  when  I  return. 

{Exit,  R.  H.  2  E.) 

Jasp.     And  I,  who  expected  to  find  an  old  twaddle  in  silver  buckles 


SCENE  I.]  A  EACHEIOR  OF  ASTS.  11 

and  pigtail,  am  caught  in  my  owti  trap  !  I  thought  to  have  laughed 
at  his  expense,  but  he  has  completely  turned  the  tables  on  me! 
Well,  there's  only  one  thing  to  be  done  —  and  yet  —  stay  !  he  said  he 
had  a  private  reason. 

Add.     (  Without,  d.  l.  h.  2  e.)     Good  morning,  my  dear  madam  ! 

Mrs.  Thorn.  {Without,  d.  l.  h.  2  e.)  Good  morning,  Mr.  Ad- 
derly.     We  shall  see  5'ou  again  presently.     Now,  don't  be  long. 

Jasp.  Adderly  there  still !  He  pays  visits  to  Mrs.  Thornton. 
Why,  surely  he  cannot  have  designs  upon  his  friends !  Ilumph  ! 
■we  shall  see,  we  shall  see. 

Enter  Addeelt,  d,  l.  h.  2  e. 

Add.      Hallo  !     You  here  still ! 

Jasp.     As  you  see. 

Add.  What  1  couldn't  you  succeed  in  getting  yourself  kicked 
out? 

Jasp.  Kicked  out !  a  hkely  thing,  indeed  !  Why,  my  dear  fel- 
low, I  am  appointed ! 

Add.     Apjx)inted  !     What  ? 

Jasp.     Tutor  to  the  "  young,  green  enthusiast"  ! 

Add.     You  ?     Xonsense  ! 

Jasp.     Fact,  upon  my  honor  ! 

Add.     But  you  won't  accept  ? 

Jasp.     Weil,  I  don't  know.     AVhat  do  you  thuik  ? 

Add.     You're  joking. 

Jasp.  Indeed  I'm  not.  You  were  talking  to  me  just  now  about 
a  charming  young  woman,  full  of  sentiment,  eyes  like  loadstars, 
and  as  coquettish  as  you  please ;  and,  upon  my  soul,  I've  some 
idea  of 

Add.  Eh  ■  why,  surely  you  are  not  thinking  of  laying  siege  to 
Mrs.  Thornton. 

Jasp.     Why  not  ? 

Add.  O,  come,  come  !  no  nonsense  of  that  kind.  —  I  shan't  allow 
that,  I  can  tell  you. 

Jasp.     Why,  what  can  it  signify  to  you  ? 

Add.  (^Rather  taken  aback.)  O,  nothing  ;  only  Thornton  is  my 
friend,  you  know,  and 

Jasp.  What  ?  you  the  friend  of  a  man  with  a  pretty  wife  !  Xo, 
no,  that  won't  do. 

Add.     Nay,  I  swear  to  you 

Jasp.     It's  the  daughter  a-ou  are  looking  after  r 

Add.     Still  less. 

Jasp.     Honor  ? 

Add.     Honor ! 

Jasp.  O,  well ;  from  the  moment  you  swear  that  you  are  not  my 
rival,  I'll  confess  to  you  that  I  had  an  eye  upon 

Add.  The  daughter  ?  you  surprise  me !  I  thought  you  couldn't 
bear  little  women. 

Jasp.  {Aside.)  O  !  she's  a  little  woman,  is  she  ? — {Aloud.)  Not 
like  little  women :  why,  I  adore  them  !  especially  when  they  have 


12  A    BACKELOK   OF   AKTS.  [ACT   I. 

such  eyes  as  —  (aside)  —  I  -wonder  -what  her  name  is  —  (aloud)  —  as 
she  has.     I  suppose  vou'll  allow  she  has  fine  eyes  ■ 

Add.     O,  splencUd  ! 

Jasp.     And  teeth  —  what  do  you  say  to  her  teeth  ? 

Add.     Pearls! 

Jasp.     And  only "VMiat  age  do  you  suppose  her  ? 

Add.     Seventeen  at  the  outside. 

Jasp.  I  think  not,  indeed ;  she  hardly  looks  that.  She  is  a  charm- 
ing girl,  isn't  she  :     It's  a  pity  she  has  such  an  ugly  name. 

Add.     Emma  !     Do  you  think  Emma  an  ugly  name  ? 

Jasp,  Eh  ?  -well,  I  don't  know.  I  may  get  used  to  it  at  last, 
perhaps. 

Add.     I  say,  Ham*,  you're  a  cunning  dog  !     I  see  it  all  no-\v  ! 

Jasp.     All  what  : 

Add.  This  advertisement  business  —  wanted  a  tutor  —  eh  r  So  i^ 
was  only  a  pretence  after  all,  in  order  to 

Jusp.  Exactly  ;  you've  hit  it.  Wasn't  bad,  was  it  r  But  come, 
let's  understand  each  other.  Treason  for  treason  —  help  me  and  I'll 
help  you  —  betray  me  and  I  betray  you  — put  in  a  good  word  for  me 
with  the  husband,  and  I'll  put  a  good  word  in  for  you  with  the  wife. 

Add.     (Eagerlt/.)     A  bargain. 

Jasp,     O  !  you  confess,  then  ? 

Add.     Of  course. 

Jasp.     And  how  do  j-ou  get  on  ? 

Add.     O,  I've  not  much  —  as  yet. 

Jasp.     O,  as  yet ;  then  she  hasn't 

Add.  No,  she  hasn't  even  the  slightest  idea  of  any  thing  beyond  a 
flirtation  as  yet.  But  Thornton  is  going  out  of  town  to-day,  and  it 
shall  go  hard  but  I  secure  her  before  his  return. 

Jasp.  {Aside.}  Here's  a  pretty  fellow  for  you  now  !  — But  about 
your  di\'ine  Arabella  ?  I  thought  she  held  a  certain  promise  of  mar- 
riage of  yours. 

Add.     Hush  !  that's  all  off  now. 

Jasp.     Indeed  r 

Add.  A  master-stroke  of  pohcy  !  She  is  going  to  marry  Thorn- 
ton's son. 

Jasp.     AVhat !  my  pupil  ■  the  green  enthusiast  ? 

Add.  Yes  ;  I  introduced  him  to  her,  and  so  got  rid  of  them  both. 
I  treated  them  on  the  homoeopathic  principle  —  don't  you  see  ? 

Jasp.     Ver}-  ingenious  !  —  (Aside.)     Was  there  ever  such  a  scamp  ? 

Add.  And  the  most  amusing  part  of  it  is,  that  he  believes  he  is 
her  first  love ! 

Jasp.  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  It's  very  comical !  —  (Aside.)  The  heartless 
vagabond ! 

Add.  But  we  had  better  not  be  seen  together ;  so  I'm  off.  Mind, 
though !     Honor ! 

Jasp.  Honor  !  (Exit  Addeely,  c.  d.  i.  h.)  Honor,  indeed;  he's 
a  nice  man  to  talk  about  honor  ;  and  to  think  of  a  worthy,  honest 
man,  hke  Mr.  Thornton,  harboring  such  a  viper  as  this  to  undermine 
his  house  and  happiness  !  No,  no  !  I  can't  stand  by  and  see  that ! 
it  would  be  rather  too  bad. 


SCENE    I.]  A    EACHELOK    OF    ARTS.  13 


Enter  Emma,  d.  r.  h.  2  e. 

Emma.     What  can  be  the  matter  r     Ah  !     Some  one  here  ! 

Jasp.  {Aside.)  The  daughter,  no  doubt.  —  (To  her.)  Excuse 
me  —  Miss  Emma  Thornton,  I  beheve. 

Emma.     Y — yes,  sir  ! 

Jasp.  You  seem  alarmed  !  Nothing  unpleasant,  I  trust ;  but  I 
forget  you  do  not  know  me.  3Iy  name  is  Jasper  —  Henry  Jasper, 
your  brother's  new  tutor. 

Emma.     {Astonished.)     You,  sir  ? 

Jasp.     Ye% ;  does  it  sui'prise  you  ? 

Emma.  AVhy,  rather ;  I  always  thought  that  tutors  were  old,  ugly, 
ridiculous-looking  beings. 

Jasp.     {Smiling.)     Indeed !     AVhy  so  ? 

Emma.     I'm  sure  ^Ir.  Greenfinch  was  ;  but  you,  on  the  contrary, 

{Aside.)     O,  dear,  I  mustn't  say  that  !  — {To  him.)     I  mean 

that  you  —  you  don't  look  hke  a  —  though  I  dare  say  you  are  a  very 
good  one!  —  {To  herself.)  I  declare  I'm  in  such  a  flutter,  I  don't 
know  what  I'm  saying  ! 

Jasp.  {Aside.)  Her  embaiTassment  is  charming  !  —  {To  her.) 
And  now,  having  exjDlained  who  and  "what  I  am,  may  I  once  more 
inquire  the  cause  of  your  agitation  ? 

Emma.  My  fears  are  groundless,  I  dare  say,  sir  ;  but  in  passing 
papa's  study  just  now,  I  heard  him  speaking  very  loudly  and  angrily, 
and  yet  Mr.  Wylie  is  such  a  nice,  quiet  person,  that  I  am  sure 

Jasp.     {Astonished.)     Wylie  !  what,  Andrew  Wylie  ? 

Emma.     Yes  ;   do  you  know  him  r 

Jasp.  I  know  a  man  of  that  name,  about  fifty,  a  dry,  withered 
face,  brown  coat,  with  yellow  buttons,  brick-dust  waistcoat,  broad 
brimmed  hat,  with  a  soft  voice  and  hypocritical  manner. 

Emma.     That's  he. 

Jasp.     And  is  he  now  with  yoirr  father  ? 

Emma.     Yes. 

Jasp.     Does  he  often  come  here  ? 

Emma.  About  once  a  month  or  so.  He  is  not  a  quarrelsome  man, 
I  hope  ;  Ls  he,  sir  ? 

Jasp.     He?     O,  no  !  he  is  incapable  of  quarrelling  with  anybody. 

Emma.  I'm  very  glad  of  that :  thank  you,  sir,  that's  all  I  Avantcd 
to  know.  —  {To  herself.)  He's  a  very  nice  young  gentleman.  — {To 
him.  Crosses  to  l.  h.)  Good  morning,  sir.  —  {Aside.)  A  great  cleal 
too  good  looking  for  a  tutor.  {Exit,  d.  l.  h.  2  e.) 

Jasp.  Wylie  here  ?  Wylie,  the  money  lender !  "What  the  deuse 
can  it  mean  ? 

Thorn.     {Without,  D.  r.  h.  2  e.)     You  are  an  infamous  scoundrel ! 

Jasp.  {Goes  to  D,  R.  H.  2  E,  and  listens.)  Eh  !  That's  Thorn- 
ton's voice.  —  "  You  are  an  infamous  scoundrel !  "  —  What  will  my 
friend  Wylie  say  to  that,  I  wonder  ?  bpeak  louder,  you  old  scamp  ! 
O,  now  I  hear  )-ou  ! 

Wi/lie.  {Without,  11.  II.  2  E.)  I  must  have  two  hundred  and  fifty 
pounds  at  once  ! 

o 


11  A    BACHELOR    OF   ARTS.  [ACT    I. 

Jasp.     "  In  addition  to  the  monthly  sum  you  pay  me,  I  must  have 

two  hundred  and  fifty  pounds  at  once,  or  if  not "     I  can't  heai 

any  more;  no.  (^Comes  down.)  Money  paid  him  every  monthj — 
there's  some  villany  at  the  bottom  of  it  ! 

Wylie.  (  Without,  D.  K.  H.  2  e.)  Thankye,  !Mr.  Thornton  ;  I  shall 
do  mj-sclf  the  pleasure  of  giving  you  another  call  shortly. 

Enter  Mr.  Wylie,  d.  r.  h.  2  e.  ;  crosses  to  l.  h.,  not  noticing  Jasper, 
putting  notes  into  his  pocket  book,  ichich  he  places  in  his  pocket. 

Jasp.     (^Aside.)     It  appears  that  Thornton  has  forked  out. 

Wijlie.  {To  himself,  L.  H.)  My  bird  Avould  hardly  sing  to-day; 
he  wasn't  in  good  voice;  very  much  inclined  to  be  sulky  ;  but  I  took 
out  my  -whistle,  and  managed  it  at  last. 

Jasp.     (r.  h.,  taps  him  on  the  shoulder.)      Aha,  my  merry-andrew  ! 

Wylie.     {Astonished.)     Eh  r  Avhat,  Mr.  Jasper  ? 

Jasp.  ■  The  compliments  of  the  season  to  you,  old  boy  ! 

Wylie.     Thankye  ;  are  you  acquainted  with  Mr.  Thornton  ? 

Jasp.     O,  yes  ;  are  you  ? 

Wylie.     Bless  you !     I've  known  him  these  ten  years. 

Jasp.     Poor  man  !     I  pity  him  then  !     "Well,  and  how  is  business  ? 

Wylie.  Bad  —  ver^i'  bad  !  all  topsy-turvy  ;  credit's  bad,  and  honest 
men  are  suffering  horribly. 

Jasp.     That's  the  reason  you're  looking  so  well,  I  suppose. 

Wylie.  Ila,  ha,  ha  !  you  will  have  your  joke,  Mr.  Jasper  ;  but  I'm 
glad  I've  met  you,  for  all  that  ! 

Jasp.     Really ! 

Wylie.  Yes  ;  you  owe  me  three  hundred  and  twenty  pounds,  you 
know  ! 

Jasp.     Exactlv  !  but  we'll  talk  of  that  some  other  time. 

Wylie.     When  r 

Jasp.     Well,  say  in  a  nionth. 

Wylie.     Where  r  for  you  know  one  never  knows  how  to  find 

Jasp.  My  address  !  perhaps  not ;  and  you  know  that  there  are 
many  people  who  wouldn't  be  sorry  to  find  out  yours. 

Wylie.     What  do  you  mean  by  that  ? 

Jasp.  Old  friends  in  Liverpool,  and  thereabouts,  who  suffered  by 
you  when  Jones  and  Co.,  Bankers  of  Huddersfield,  of  wliich  firm  you 
were  both  the  Jones  and  Co.,  failed —  cut  —  run 

Wylie.     (Sharply.)     You're  not  going  to  tell  them,  I  suppose. 

Jasp.  O,  no!  I've  quite  enough  to  do  with  my  own  affairs;  as 
for  the  three  hundred  and  twenty  pounds  I  owe  you,  we'll  talk  about 
that  —  let  me  see,  now  —  here  in  this  house,  when  you  come  to  draw 
your  next  month's  annuity. 

Wylie.      {Astonished.)     Eh?  you  know 

Jasp.     Good  by,  Mr.  Wylie,  good  by  ! 

Wylie.     But  first  tell  me 

Jasp.  No,  no.  {Laughiny.)  Not  now,  Old  Curiosity ;  the  next 
time  we  meet. 

Wylie.  O,  very  well  I  —  {Aside.)  How  the  devil  did  become  to 
know  any  thinf;  aboiit  it,  I  wonder  i  {Exit,  c.  D.  L.  H.) 


SC2NE    I.J  A    nACHELOR    OF    ARTS.  15 

Jasp.  So,  blaster  Andrew,  Thornton  is  your  bird,  and  you  make 
him  sing,  do  you  ?  But  I'm  installed  here  now,  old  boy,  and  I'll  see 
if  I  can't  —  installed,  did  I  say  ?  am  1  ?  Well,  why  not  ?  I've 
nothing  better  to  do,  after  all ! 

Enter  Thornton,  d.  l.  ti.  2  e. 

Thorn.     Well,  sir,  have  you  made  up  your  mind  ? 

Janp.  (L.  H.)  Well  —  really,  sir,  I'm  almost  inclined  to  accept 
your  offer,  Mr.  Thornton. 

Thnrn.  {Rings  bell  on  table,  R.  ir.)  That's  right !  I  told  you,  Mr. 
Jasper,  that  I  was  going  to  make  a  journey  to  Liverpool.  During  my 
absence  you  will  consider  yourself  master  of  this  house. 

Jasp.     But  really,-sir 

Enter  Matthew,  c.  d.  l.  n.,  clown  l.  c. 

Thorn.  (Crosses  c.  To  Matthew.)  Tell  my  son  I  wish  to  see 
him,  and  tell  your  mistress  and  my  daughter  that  I  wish  to  speak  to 
them.  {Exit  Matthew,  d.  l.  h.  2  e.) 

Jasp.     (k.  h.)     But  allow  me  to 

Thorn,  (l.  h.)  We  won't  talk  of  remuneration,  Mr.  Jasper  ;  you 
are  not  a  man  I  can  pay.  My  banker  will  have  my  instructions  to 
honor  your  drafts,  and  my  servants  v.ill  obey  you  in  every  thing. 
You  are  a  friend  to  whom  I  intrust  the  care  of  my  house.  In  your 
hands  I  place  the  honor  of  my  family. 

Jasp.  {AJfected  deepli/.)  Mr.  Thornton,  I  know  not  how  to  reply 
to  such  pi-OL)fs  of  confidence.  From  my  very  boyhood  I  have  felt  the 
want  of  some  such  honorable  responsibility  —  some  such  sacred  duty 
to  be  imposed  upon  me.  Until  I  was  twenty  years  old  my  father 
treated  me  as  a  child,  and  exacted  nothing  from  me  but  blind  obedi- 
ence. I  then  hoped  that  the  time  had  at  last  arrived  when  he  would 
look  upon  me  as  his  son  and  his  friend.  I  was  mistaken  ;  I  was  only 
transformed  into  one  of  his  clerks —  one  of  his  servants.  He  paid  me 
a  salary,  and  I  got  into  debt ;  Avhcn  business  took  him  abroad  for 
some  months,  he  excluded  me  from  all  voice  in  the  management  of 
his  affairs  during  his  absence.  ^ly  debts  and  difhculties  increased. 
Knowing  that  I  liad  an  independent  fortune  from  the  will  of  a  distant 
relation,  when  I  should  be  five  and  twenty,  (of  which  my  father  was 
mean  timej'trustce, )  and  disgusted  with  his  want  of  confidence,  I  left 
the  paternaLropf ;  and  have  since  run  the  career,  of  which  I  gave  you 
a  sketch  at  .ou(I'  first  interview.  But  now,  sir,  your  generous  confi- 
dence in  me  makes  me  feel  once  more  that  I  am  a  man  —  I  feel,  too, 
that  I  can  be  an  honest  man ! 

Thorn.  {With  feel inr/.)  I  feel  that  my  confidence  will  not  be 
misplaced,  Mr.  Jasper. 

Enter  Aooi^viivs,  followed  by  Matthew,  c.  d.  l.  h. 

Adol.     (l.  h.)     You  sent  for  me,  sir  ?     (Jasper  on  R.  n.) 
Thorn,     (c.)     Yes.     I  Avish  to  introduce  you  to  this  gentleman, 
Mr.  Jasper,  who  has  consented  to  become  your  tutor,  and  also  to  take 
charge  of  my  household  and  affairs  during  my  absence  in  the  country. 


16  A    BACHELOR    OP    AKTS,  [ACT    I. 

I^Iatthew,  YOU  and  your  fellow-servants  -will  obey  Mr.  Jasper's  orders 
in  every  thing  as  you  would  mine  —  he  is  absolute  master  here.  Go 
and  intorm  them.  "  {Exit  Matthew,  c.  d.  l.  h.) 

Enter  Mrs.  Thorntox  and  Emma,  l.  h.  2  e. 
Mr.  Jasper,  allow  me  to   introduce  my  wife  and   daughter,   Mrs. 
Thornton,  Miss  Emma  Thornton.     This  is  Mr.  Jasper,  my  son's  new 
tutor,  and  whom  you  will,  in  my  absence,  look  up  to,  as  the  master  of 
the  house. 

Mrs.  T.  (L.  c,  aside  to  him.)  I  should  have  thought  that  in  my 
husband's  absence  I  might  myself 

Thorn.  Have  undertaken  the  education 'of  a  young  man  of  eighteen, 
the  accounts  of  a  busy  house,  and 

Mrs.  T.     Your  man  of  business  is  here  to  look  after  your  interests. 

Thorn.     My  man  of  business  is  not  here  to  look  after  my  wife. 

Mrs.  T.     Your  wife  !     Does  she  then  require 

Thorn.  No,  not  yet  !  But  if,  some  day,  Mr.  Frederick  Adderly 
should  inadvertently  mistake  the  feelings  of  friendship  which  you  en- 
tertain for  him,  and  you  should  need  an  adviser,  Zvlr.  Jasper  will  be 
ever  ready  at  your  side. 

Mrs.  T.     {Aside.)     What  can  he  mean  r 

{Exeunt  Mrs.  Thorxtox  and  Emma,  d.  l.  h.  2  e.) 

Thorn.  {Crosses  to  R.  n.)  I  will  now  leave  you  to  make  ac- 
quaintance with  your  pupil.     I  shall  see  you  again  before  I  set  out. 

{Exit,  D.  R.  H.  2  E.) 

Jasp.  {Looking  at  AnoLPHrs.)  Fine  fellow  —  good  eye  and  open 
countenance !     There's  something  to  be  made  of  him  ! 

Ad'jl.     {Aside.)     I  don't  like  the  look  of  the  chap  at 

Jasp.  {Sits  L.  of  table  on  R.  H.)  Take  a  seat,  young  gentleman. 
{Blandltj.) 

Adol.  {Aside.)  I  shan't  if  I  don't  like !  {Sits  n.  of  table  on  R. 
H.)  What  are  we  to  begin  with,  sir  ?  I've  been  in  Virgil  for  Latin, 
and  Homer  for  Greek,  and 

Jasp.  Never  mind  all  that  for  the  present.  First  tell  me  which  do 
you  like  best,  port  or  claret  ? 

Adol.     {Astonished.)     Sir! 

Jasp.     I  ask  a'ou  which  you  like  best,  port  or  claret  ?     •- 

Adol.     Keally  I 

Jasp.     Come,  your  answer  ! 

Adol.     "Well,  I  like  port  best. 

Jasp.  I  thought  so  !  At  eighteen  we  are  all  the  same —  all  the 
same.  But,  my  good  friend,  don't  you  know  that  port  is  heavy,  al- 
coholic, heating,  astringent ;  while  claret  is  the  finest  stomachic  and 
tonic  that  you  can  imbibe  —  a  hogshead  of  it  at  a  sitting  will  do  you 
no  harm.  But  port,  nine  tenths  of  it  is  a  decoction  of  sloe  juice,  and 
the  other  tenth  will  plant  a  mulberry  tree  on  your  nose,  and  the  gout 
in  your  toes,  before  you're  thirty  I 

Adol.     lleally,  sir 

Jtisp.  My  dear  boy,  do  you  take  me  for  an  old  pedant,  a  Dr. 
Dil worth,  that  you  addrci^s  me  so  formally  ?  Y'ou  don't  know  me 
yet,  but  you  will  soon.     {Calling.)     ^latthcw  ! 


BCENE    I.]  A    BACHELOR    OF    ARTS.  17 

Enter  Matthe'^-,  instanter,  d.  l.  h.  2  E. 

Mat.     Sir. 

Jasp.     O,  O  !  you  listen  at  keyholes,  do  you,  Mr.  Matthew  ? 

Mat.     Lor',  sir! 

Jasp.  Yes,  yes  ;  we  understand  all  about  that.  Bring  brandy  and 
cold  water ! 

Mat.     (^Astonished.)     Sir  ! 

Jasp.  Matthew,  I  don't  hke  the  trouble  of  repeating  my  orders  ! 
Brandy  and  cold  water  ! 

Mat.     Yes,  sir.     (-4s  he  goes.')     Well,  he's  a  queer  tutor  ! 

{Exit,  c.  D.  L.  H.) 

Jasp.     (  Taking  out  cigar  case.)     Do  you  smoke  ? 

Adol.     Yes,  now  and  then,  onh'  papa  doesn't  know  it. 

Jasp.  Ah  !  that's  bad  ;  I  don't  like  that !  Boys  should  either  not 
smoke  at  all,  or  should  say  boldly  to  their  dads,  "  Have  a  weed, 
guvener  ?  "  There  must  be  no  playing  at  hide  and  seek  with  papas  ! 
It's  bad  —  it's  very  bad  !  Here,  {offering  cigar,)  here's  a  cigar  for 
you,  that  was  manufactured  by  old  Cabanas  !  It's  as  dry  as  an  old 
schoolmaster. 

Adol.  {Delighted.)  Thank  you.  —  {Aside.)  I  begin  to  like  him 
much  better  !     {They  light  their  cigars  with  fusee.) 

Enter  Matthew,  c.  d.  l.  h.,  with  trag,  o?i  ichich  are  two  tumblers,  a 
small  bottle  of  brandy,  and  jug  of  cold  water. 
Mat.     {Aside.)     I'll  be  shot  if  they  ain't  smoking  ! 
Jasp.     {To  Matthew.)     Put  it  down,  and  now  go  ! 
Mat.     Yes,  sir  !     {As  he  goes.)     Well,  he  is  a  funny  tutor  ! 

{Exit,   C.  D.  L.  H.) 

Jasp.  Now  let's  have  a  little  friendly  chat !  {Mixing  brandy  and 
water  for  both.) 

Adol.     With  all  my  heart,  my  dear  tutor  ! 

Jasp.  Call  me  Jasper.  "N^Tien  people  are  about  to  live  together, 
it's  advisable  that  they  should  understand  each  other  beforehand. 

Adol.     Certainly  it  is  ! 

Jasp.  I'll  tell  you  in  two  words  what  sort  of  fellow  you  have  to 
deal  with  in  me.  A  man  who  feels  very  much  inclined  to  cotton  to 
you  as  he  would  to  a  younger  brother  —  a  good  sort  of  chap  if  you're 
open  and  frank  with  him ;  but  a  devil  if  you  try  to  checkmate  him  ! 
Now  choose  —  which  is  it  to  be  ?  {Passing  him  a  glass  of  brandy  and 
water.) 

Adol.  The  "  good  sort  of  chap,"  of  course.  — {To  himself.)  What 
a  difference  between  him  and  old  Greenfinch ! 

Jasp.     That's  right!     Your  hand!    Here's  your  health  !     {DrinJcs.) 

Adol.  Thank  you  !  Yours  1  {Drinks.)  O,  by  Jove,  it's  tremen- 
dously strong  ! 

Jasp.     Nonsense  ;  it  wants  more  brandy.     How  old  are  you  ? 

Adol.     Eighteen. 

Jasp.  Who  are  your  acquaintances  ?  How  many  friends  have  you 
got? 

Adol.     O,  lots  !     Twelve  or  fourteen. 

Jasp.     I  mean  intimates  —  bricks  —  true  friends  ! 
0  * 


18  A    r.ACHELOR    OF    Ar.TS.  [ACT    I. 

Adol.     O  !  only  two. 

Jasp.  Only  two  !  you  lucky  dog  !  Why,  I'm  ten  years  older  than 
you,  and  I've  never  yet  met  with  one. 

Adol.     That  may  be  ;  but,  I  assure  you,  I 

Jasp,     Of  course  ;  you're  especially  favored.     Who  are  they  ? 

Adol.  One  is  young  Lascelles  ;  he's  only  twenty-three  !  He's 
■worth  three  thousand  a  year,  and  spends  every  farthing  of  it !  He's 
a  regular  brick  ;  I'd  trust  him  with  my  life  ! 

Jasp.  Stop  !  How  much  pocket  money  does  your  father  allow 
you  ? 

Adol.     "Well,  a  couple  of  sovereigns  a  week. 

Jasp.  A  hundred  a  year  !  And  you  make  a  friend  of  a  man  who 
spends  three  thousand  !     That's  what  I  call  an  impossible  friendship. 

Adol.     (Astonished.)     How  so  ? 

Jasp.  Either  you  are  a  partaker  of  his  pleasures  or  you  arc  not. 
If  you  are,  he  must  pay  for  you,  and  that's  humiliating  ;  or  you  must 
get  into  debt,  and  that's  dangerous.  —  If  you  are  not,  you  envy  him 
in  spite  of  all  you  can  do,  and  there's  but  one  step  from  envy  to 
hatred  ;  they're  next  door  neighbors  all  the  world  over ;  that's  one 
friend  you  must  give  up.     Go  on  to  the  friend  number  two. 

Adol.     The  other  is  Mr.  Adderly. 

Jasp.     Ah  !   I  know  hiin  ;  he  hasn't  a  penny  ! 

Adol.     Well,  then 

Jasp.  Not  at  all.  He's  as  much  too  poor  as  the  other  is  too  rich. 
The  position  exactly  reversed.  He  has  borrowed  money  of  you, 
hasn't  he  : 

Adol.     Yes  —  a  mere  trifle  ! 

Jasp.     I  was  sure  of  it  !     Xow  we'll  pass  to  the  feminine  gender. 

Adol.     The  feminine  gender  ! 

Jasp.  Yes  !  I  suppose  a  good  looking  fellow  like  you  has  got  two 
or  three  s^^'eethearts  at  least. 

Adol.     No  ;  only  one  ! 

Jasp.     Indeed  !  —  (Aside.^     So  much  the  better  ! 

Adol.     Only  one,  I  assure  you,  and  I  love  her  dearly  !     I  adore  her ! 

Jasp.     Here's  your  health  !     (Sips.')     What's  her  name  r 

Adol.     You'll  promise  not  to  tell  r 

Jasp.     Of  course  ! 

Adol.     Arabella  Mountstewart !     It's  a  beautiful  name,  isn't  it  ? 

Jasp.     Lovely  ! 

Adol.     Do  you  know  her  ? 

Jasp.     ( Coughs.)     No. 

Adol.  Then  you  don't  know  the  sweetest  girl  in  all  England  — 
as  handsome  as  an  angel,  and  virtue  itself ! 

Jasp.     Of  course  !     Here's  your  health  !     (Drinks.) 

Adol.  It  was  my  friend  Adderly  who  introduced  me  to  her,  and 
I've  sworn  to  marry  her.     O,  I'm  the  happiest  of  men  ! 

Jasp.     Of  course  !     Is  she  rich  ? 

Adol.     I  think  so.     She  keeps  a  brougham  ! 

Jasp.     Where  docs  her  money  come  from  r 

Adol.     How  should  I  know  ? 

Jasp.     And  you  drive  out  v>ith  her  ? 

Adol.     Yes. 


SCENE    I.]  A    BACHELOR    OF    ARTS.  19 

Jasp.     Go  to  the  theatres  ^vith  her  somethnes? 

Adol.  Yes  —  as  often  as  I  can  steal  away  —  and  I'm  so  proud  of 
seeing  every  body  admixe  her  ! 

Jas2J.  Of  course  !  1  understand  !  It's  very  touching  !  There's 
only  one  little  inconvenience  about  it.  The  world  is  very  unchari- 
table, my  dear  boy,  and  when  people  are  rich  without  any  ostensible 
means,  other  people  are  apt  to  inquire  from  what  source  such  riches 
are  obtained.  Broughams  are  very  pleasant  things,  but  they  cost 
money.  Now,  as  yo it  don't  pay  for  this  one  —  "  Who  does?"  This 
is  a  question,  depend  upon  it,  that  is  being  generally  asked  as  you 
drive  along,  by  the  very  people  whom  you  think  are  admiring  her  and 
envying  you. 

Adol.     O,  but  that's  abominable  !     (^Both  rise.) 

Jasp.  Well,  it's  not  very  agreeable.  But  no  matter  when  one's 
satisfied  with  one's  self. 

Adol.  {SL'riousli/.)  That  is  not  enough,  sir  ;  and  the  opinion  of  the 
world  matters  very  much.  No  man  can  feel  satisfied  with  himself, 
unless  he  can  look  the  world  in  the  face,  and  defy  it  to  cast  a  slur 
upon  his  honor  or  his  good  conduct.  • 

Jasp.  (^Aside.)  That's  a  fine  fellow  !  I  shall  make  a  man  of  him 
in  no  time ! 

Enter  Matthew,  with  a  letter  on  a  salver,  c.  d.  l.  h. 

Mat.  Master  Adolphus,  your  papa  is  ready  to  go,  and  wants  to  bid 
you  good  by.     He  can't  wait. 

Adol.     Very  well.     I'm  coming,  I'm  coming. 

{Exit  hastily,  c.  d.  l.  ii.  ) 

Jasp.     Stay  ;  he  promised  before  he  went 

Mat.     {Gives  letter.')     Master  told  me  to  give  you  this. 

{Exit,  c.  D.  L.  n.) 

Jasp.  This,  then,  is  the  key  to  the  mystery.  The  joke  will  now 
be  explained  ;  for  this  letter,  no  doubt,  explains  his  extraordinary  be- 
havior towards  me.  {Opens  letter.)  What  do  I  see!  my  father's 
hand!  {Beads.)  "  M>/  dear  old  friend,"  —  his  old  friend! — Mr. 
Thornton  the  old  friend  of  my  father  ! — "come  to  me  if  you  can. 
I  am  old,  and  helpless,  and  have  a  matter  of  importance  to  consult  yoii 
upon  ;  you  are  the  only  being  in  the  icorld  ichose  advice  I  can  ask  ;  I  had' 
a  son,  who  should  have  been  the  comfort  of  his  aged  father.  Alas  !  I 
need  not  tell  you  he  has  7nade  his  life  one  long  period  of  misery  and  dis- 
appointment. Should  you  encounter  him,  for  the  sake  of  his  heart- 
broken pai'ent,  extend  a  saving  hand  to  the  prodigal.  If  his  honor  and 
integrity  are  not  already  irretrievably  gone,  as  well  as  his  fortune  and 
filial  affection,  try  and  place  him  once  more  in  the  right  jmth — give 
him  another  chance,  for  the  sake  of  your  old  friend,  and  may  Heaven 
grant  he  may  not  abuse  your  kindness.  Yoicrs,  Jonx  Jasi'KK."  I 
understand  all;  I  will  not  abuse  it.  I  accept  the  proffered  hand,  and 
I  will  retrieve  the  honor  of  my  name.  As  to  my  father  —  my  jjoor 
father  ! {He  bursts  into  tears,  sinks  into  a  chair  at  the  table  on  E.  n.) 

Quick  Drop. 

i:.\U    OF    ACT    I. 


20  A    BACHELOR   OF   ARTS.  [ACT    II. 


ACT  II. 

Scene  I.  —  Drawinc;  roqm  in  Thornton's  House,  3  and  5  g.  Fire- 
place loith  fire,  fire  irons,  rng,  chimney  ornaments,  7nirror,  <5|C.,  on 
r.  h.  2  E.  ;  set  door,  L.  h.  2  e.  ;  c.  d.  ojwn,  backed  by  chamber; 
chandeliers  doion  and  lighted,  2  and  4  G.  ;  set  doors,  R.  and  l.  h. 
3  E.  Matthew  discovered  loarming  his  hands  at  fire  ;  other  Ser- 
vants are  seen  in  other  rooms. 

Mat.  (^To  Servants.)  Come,  get  on,  or  we  shall  have  the  com- 
pany here  before  we  are  ready  to  receive  them.  Come,  that's  all 
right  !  The  candles  are  all  lighted,  carpets  are  all  up,  seats  are  all 
set.  (^All  sit  and  fail  themselves.)  This  tutor's  gave  us  enough  trouble 
for  the  last  six  weeks,  I  think  !  Mondays  a  supper,  Tuesdays  a 
dinner,  Wednesdays  a  lunch,  Thursdays  a  breakfast,  Fridays  a  soiree 
—  there  only -wanted  a  ball  to  complete  it,  and  here  we've  got  it! 
He  says  he  does  all  this  to  form  his  pupil  —  I  call  it  Reforming  him  ! 
Then,  how  he  treats  us  !  —  how  he  makes  us  trot  about,  and,  after 
all,  he's  paid  like  we  are  —  he's  only  a  servant  like  any  of  us  !         ^^ 

All.     No  more  he  isn't ! 

Mat.     I  shall  tell  him  a  bit  o'  my  mind  ;  I  shall ! 

All.     And  so  shall  I  ! 

Mat.     Pie  shan't  fancy  I'm  afeard  on  Mm  ! 

All.     No,  he  shan't  ! 

1st.  Sen-ant.  Hush  !  here  he  comes.  (^AU  rise  with  respeclfal 
attitudes.) 

Enter  Jasper,  c.  d.  l.  h. 

Jasp.     (Aside.)     So  !     I  have  arranged  with  Miss  Arabella  Mount- 

stewart,  who  consents  to  second  me  in  every  thing.     Matthew  ! 

Mat.  Yes,  sir  ! 

Jasp.  Is  all  ready  ? 

Mat.  Yes,  sir  !     {Goiny  off,  c.  D.  l.  h.) 

Jasp.  The  ices  ordered  ? 

Mat.  Yes,  sir  !     (.4s  before.) 

Jasp.  Matthew !  , 

Mat.  Yes,  sir  !     (^As  bfore.) 

Jasp.  Did  you  take  the  invitation  card  yourself  to  Mr.  Andrew 
Wylie? 

Mat.  Yes,  sir  !     {As  before.) 

Jasp.  Matthew ! 

Mat.  (Sulkily.)     Well,  what  is  it  ? 

Jasp.     (c.)     Eh!  is  that  the  way  you  answer  ? 

3Iat.  {Frightened.)     No,  sir ! 

Jasp.  Put  a  smile  on  your  lips,  Mr.  ilatthew  ! 

Mat.  Yes,  sir  !  but 

Jasp.  A  smile,  quick  !     Ah,  that  Avill  do  ;  now  get  out ! 

Mat.  {Aside,  going.)     O,    if  I    didn't   know   the   weight    of  his 

fist 

Jasp.  Eh  !  what's  that  r 


SCENE    I.]  A    BACHELOR    OF    ARTS.  21 

Mat.  Nothing  — nothing,  sir!  {^BoUinj  off,  c.  l.  h.) 
Jasp.  Away  with  you  all !  {Exeunt  other  Servants,  c.  l.  h.) 
Every  thing's  in  proper  train.  Mr.  Thornton  will  return  in  a  few 
hour?,  and  to-morrow  I  break  my  staff,  and  resign  my  office.  To- 
morrow, then,  I  leave  this  house  —  leave  Emma  !  dear,  innocent, 
amiable  girl !  the  separation  will  be  a  cruel  one.  But.  heyday,  what 
am  I  thinking  of?  The  tutor's  forgetting  himself,  I'm  afraid.  Come, 
come,  Mr.  Jasper,  a  few  hours'  courage,  and  your  task  is  accomplished. 
Here  is  my  pupil.     Have  at  you,  my  young  friend. 

Enter  Adolphus,  c.  d.  l.  h. 

Adol.  {Aside.)  It  must  have  been  she  —  and  yet  —  it's  im- 
possible ! 

Jasp.     What's  the  matter  ? 

Adol.  Nothing  !  I  was  looking  out  of  the  window  just  now, 
when  I  thought  I  saw  a  female  leave  the  house  ;  I  could  almost  have 
sworn  it  was  Arabella. 

Jasp.  Covild  you  really  ?  Well  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  you  could. 
It  was  Arabella  ! 

Adol.     What !  she  here,  at  my  father's  ? 

Jasp.     She  came  to  see  me. 

Adol.     Do  you  know  her  then  ? 

Jasp.     Rather  ! 

Adol.  You  do  ?  why,  when  I  spoke  to  you  about  her,  you  ap- 
peared to  be  unacquainted  even  with  her  name  ! 

Jasp.     Because  she  had  changed  it. 

Adol.     Changed  it. 

Jasp.     O,  yes  !  a  year  ago  she  was  called  Georgiana  Glentilt. 

Adol.     Impossible  !     But  what  was  she  doing  here  ? 

Jasp.     She  came  to  intrust  me  with  a  little  message. 

Adol.     For  me  ? 

Jasp.  {Laughing.)  For  you?  no!  Now,  do  you  think  that  her 
head  is  occupied  with  nobody  but  you  ? 

Adol.  Jasper,  don't  keep  me  on  the  rack  in  this  way  ;  tell  me  at 
once  all  you  know  ! 

Jasp.     About  Arabella  ?     My  dear  boy,  it  would  take  me  a  week. 

Adol.  Then  she  is  deceiving  me.  (Jasper  nods  assent.)  When  a 
man  asserts  such  things,  he  should  be  prepared  to  prove  them. 

Jasp.  O,  there's  no  difficulty  in  that ;  but  if  I  give  you  proof,  will 
you  jDromise  that  you'll  never  see  her  again? 

Aciol.     Never !     I  swear  it ! 

Jasj).     And  you'll  marry  your  cousin,  as  your  father  wishes  ? 

Ad3l.     Never  !     I  mean  directly  ! 

Jasp.     Well,  read  that.     {Gives  note.) 

Adol.  {Reading.)  "  Dolly  Thornton  is  boxed  up  for  the  night ; 
there's  a  ball  at  his  father's  ;  I  shall  expect  you  between  eleven  and 
twelve."  Signed  Arabella.  And  addressed  to  Frederick  Adderly,  my 
most  intimate  friend.     O  !  it's  infamous  ! 

Jasp.  Now,  my  dear  lad,  listen  to  reason.  —  Adderly's  a  young 
scamp  ;  I  told  you  so  when  we  first  met. 


22  A    BACHELOR    OP    ARTS.  [ACT    II. 

Adol.  Jasper,  I  have  pledged  my  -word  I'll  never  see  Arabella 
again  !  I'll  marry  my  cousin  if  my  father  wishes  it ;  I  promised  that 
too ;  but  I  have  not  made  any  promise  with  regard  to  this  scoundrel 
Adderly,  and  he  shall  pay  dearly  for  his  villany. 

(^ExU  hastily,  c.  d.  l.  h.) 

Jasp.  Stay,  stay !  But  perhaps  it  is  better  that  his  grief  should 
exhaust  itself  in  anger  rather  than  in  regret  ;  it's  sooner  over  ;  be- 
sides, he  can't  fight  before  to-morrow,  and  between  this  and  then 

there  will  be  time  enough  for  me  to But  Wylie  is  somewhat 

late.     (L.  c.) 

Enter  Emma,  in  ball  dress,  d.  e.  h.  3  e. 

Emma  here  !  how  nice  she  looks  ! 

Emma.     (R.  c.)     Good  evening,  Mr.  Jasper  ! 

Jasp.  {Aside.)  Now,  Mr.  Jasper,  keep  up  your  character  as 
tutor  !  —  (To  her.)     Ready  so  soon  ! 

Emma.     O,  yes.     I 

Jasp.  But  I  forgot.  When  there's  a  ball  in  question,  I  fancy 
children  would  willingly  begin  to  dress  for  it  at  five  o'clock  in  the 
morning. 

Emma.     Children  !     I'm  seventeen,  sir  ! 

Jasp.  Xo  !  Are  you,  though  ?  They  were  saying  the  other  day 
at  Mrs.  Singleton's  that  you  didn't  look  more  than  thirteen.  There 
was  a  compliment  for  you  ! 

Emma.     I  can't  say  I  think  so.     Do  you  think  I  only  look  thirteen  ? 

Jasp.  Me  ?  O,  no  !  I  offered  to  lay  a  wager  that  you  were  four- 
teen —  I  should  have  lost. 

Emma.  Very  well,  sir  !  If  this  is  the  way  you  treat  me,  I  shall 
return  to  my  own  room. 

Jasp.     O,  no;  pray (^Checks  himself.)     You  came   here  to 

speak  to  me  ? 

Emma.     I  came  to  ask  you  how  you  liked  my  dress.     But - 

Jasp.     Your  dress  ?     Well,  it  isn't  bad  —  rather  pastoral,  perhaps. 

Emma.     Then  you  don't  like  it  ? 

Jasp.  O,  yes,  1  do  ;  but  I  am  not  fond  of  white.  Do  j-ou  recollect 
how  pretty  Miss  ilowbray  looked  the  other  night  —  in  apple  green, 
with  red  roses,  and  a  yellow  turban  ? 

Emma.     AVhat  !     Did  you  like (^Aside.)     I  could  cry  with 

vexation  ! 

Jasp.  (Aside.)  Poor  little  dear  !  —  (^To  her.)  Is  that  all  you  had 
to  ask  me  ? 

Emma.  No  !  Only  now  I'm  afraid  of  you  —  now  that  you  think 
I  look  so  ugly. 

Jasp.     Ugly!     {Resuming  coolness.)     Never  mind  that ;  goon! 

Emma.  Eh  !  well,  I  don't  mind.  I  came,  then,  to  remind  you, 
sir,  that  you  had  quite  forgotten  to  ask  my  hand  for  even  one  dance  ! 
I've  brought  you  my  list  of  engagements.     {Handing  list.) 

Jasp.     It's  quite  full. 

Emma.     O,  no.     There  are  several  blanks. 

Jasp.  Let's  see.  Number  tv.-o,  Mr.  Smith  ;  four,  Mr.  William- 
son; six,  Mr.  Lascellcs,  &c.,  &c.  (Puis  his  name  down,  and  returns 
the  list.)     There  ;  thank  you. 


SCENE    I.]  A    BACIinLOll    OF    AKTS.  23 

Emma.  Why,  you've  chosen  numbci-  twenty-four.  Is  umber  one 
■was  vacant. 

/as/;.  O,  no  !  Number  one  -would  never  do  for  your  brother's 
tutor. 

Emma.     There  were  plenty  before  twenty-four. 

Jasp.  But  you  forgot,  my  dear  Jliss  Thornton,  that  I  have  the 
guests  to  welcome  in  the  earlier  part  of  the  evening  ;  and  so  we  must 
say  number  twenty-four.  —  (Aside.)  What  a  brute  of  a  fellow  she 
must  think  me  !     But  no  matter  ;  so  much  the  better ! 

Enter  Matthew,  d.  l.  h.  3  e. 

Mat.     Mr.  Wylie  has  come,  and  is  inquiring  for  you,  sir. 

Jasj).  Very  well ;  show  him  in  here.  (Exit,  d.  3  e.  l.  h.  —  To 
Emma.)     Will  you  excuse  me  for  a  few  minutes  ? 

Emma.  O,  certainh^ !  —  (Aside.)  Perhaps  it  is  because  I'm  so 
badly  dressed  that  he  doesn't  want  to  dance  with  me  !  But  no 
matter  ;  I'll  soon  alter  that !  (Exit,  e.  h.  3  e.  ) 

Jasp.  Now  for  Mr.  Andrew  Wylie  !  I've  a  stronger  hand  com- 
ing against  me  in  my  game  with  him  ;  but,  with  judgment  and  cau- 
tion, I  think  I  know  how  to  play  it. 

Enter  Wyxie,  d,  3  e.  l.  ii. 

How  do  j'ou,  my  dear  sir?     Take  a  seat  ! 

Wylie.  I  got  your  note  and  card  of  invitation  this  morning.  Did 
you  receive  my  message  in  return  ? 

Jasp.     That  you  wanted  to  see  me  —  yes  !  aboTit  what  ? 

Wylie.  Merely  to  know  if  Iilr.  Thornton  had  left  any  thing  with 
you  for  me. 

Jasp.  He  has  —  a  twenty  pound  note.  He  is  in  j-our  debt,  it 
appears. 

Wylie.     It  looks  like  it,  or  otherwise  would  he  have (Showing 

money.) 

Jasp.  Of  course,  of  course !  But,  entre  nous,  this  is  rather  a  sin- 
gular aifair. 

Wylie.     How  so? 

Jasp.  I've  gone  carefully  over  his  bills,  and  books,  and  other 
business  papers  during  the  last  six  weeks. 

Wijlie.     AYell  ? 

Jasp.  And  I  find  that,  for  ten  years  past,  he  has  paid  you  twenty 
pounds  every  month,  besides  an  additional  sum  of  sixteeen  hundred 
pounds,  making  in  all  four  thousand. 

Wylie.     Well  ? 

Jasp.  And  yet  you  are  the  only  creditor  in  regard  to  whom  I  can 
neither  find  an  account  nor  a  receipt  ! 

Wylie.     Well  ? 

Jasp.     Well,  do  you  know  the  conclusion  I  have  arrived  at  ? 

Wylie.     I  really  don't ! 

Jasp.  Th.at  you  are  not  only  a  great  rascal,  —  which  is  not  any  new 
discovery,  —  but  also  a  great  fool,  which  does  rather  surprise  me. 


24  A    BACHELOR   OF   AKTS.  [aCT   H. 

HTylU.  (^Mildly.)  I'm  not  very  apt  to  take  offence,  as  you  know, 
Mr.  Jasper ;  but  when  one  gentleman  says  sucli  things  as  these  to  an- 
other gentleman 

Jasp.  He  generally  gets  knocked  down.  But  when  he  says  them 
to  a  person  of  your  caste,  he  at  all  events  ought  to  give  his  reasons  for 
making  use  of  such  epithets  ;  is  that  what  you  mean  r 

fVylie.     Precisely. 

Jasp.  "SVell,  then,  this  is  the  view  I  take  of  the  matter.  Mr. 
Thornton  owes  Mr.  WyUe  nothing  ;  yet  still  the  latter  receives  of 
the  former  a  stated  sum,  at  certain  fixed  periods ;  therefore  ilr.  "Wylie 
is  in  possession  of  a  certain  talisman,  or  "  whistle,"  by  the  aid  of 
which  he  makes  Mr.  Thornton  "  sing  "  !     Is  that  clear,  so  far  .- 

Wylie.     As  clear  as  quarter  day  ! 

Jasp.  Xow,  as  I  am  quite  tired  of  tutorship,  and  as  it  is  high  time 
that  I  begin  to  think  of  settling  myself  in  life,  I  propose  to  purchase 
this  whistle  of  you  ! 

Wylie.     For  what  purpose  r 

Jasp.     I  want  to  play  a  tune  on  it  myself  I 

Wylie.  Nonsense  I  what  use  would  two  hundred  and  forty  pounds 
a  year  be  to  you :  for  that's  all  it  brings. 

Jasp.  All  I  two  hundred  and  forty  pounds  a  year !  My  dear  fel- 
low, -nith  such  a  force  pump,  I'd  engage  to  drain  the  Bank  of  Eng- 
land dry  in  a  twelvemonth  ! 

Wylif.  Yes,  you're  young  and  enterprising,  and,  besides,  you've 
nothing  to  lose.  But  ■with  me  it's  different ;  I've  a  character  to  keep 
up,  and  I  daren't  go  faster  —  I  daren't  launch  out,  however  much  I 
may  ^ish  it. 

Jasp.  Exactly  I  Then  sell  me  the  "whistle,"  and  let  me  make 
the  most  of  it. 

Wylie.     Hum  !     (Scratching  his  Tiose.)     Sell  it  you  ? 

Jasp.     Of  course! 

Wylie.     "VThat  will  you  give  r 

Jasp.     That  depends  upon  the  material  it  is  made  of. 

Wylie.  True  I  Nobody  likes  to  buy  a  pig  in  a  poke  —  at  least  I 
don't ! 

Jasp.  If  it's  good  I'll  give  you  as  much  as  you've  received  in  the 
last  ten  years,  including  the  sixteen  hundred  pounds. 

Wylie.  0  I  Mr.  Thornton  offered  me  that  at  the  begiiming.  But 
a  sum  of  money  is  soon  gone,  whereas  a  snug  little  annuity  lasts 
for  life. 

Jasp.  True  !  But  remember,  twenty  years'  annuity  will  scarcely 
amount  to  the  four  thousand  pounds  I  offer  you  ;  besides,  Mr.  Thorn- 
ton is  ten  years  older  than  he  was. 

Wylie.     (Consideriny.)     True  I 

Jas}}.     And  is  getting  very  shaky  ! 

Wylie.     True  again  ! 

Jasp.  And  when  he  is  gone,  good  by  to  your  annuity  !  His  son 
would  pitch  you  out  of  the  window. 

Wylie.     Do  you  think  so  r 

Jasp.     I'm  sure  of  it !     I  know  him  well.     He  is  a  young  devil ! 

Wylie.  But  when  I've  shown  you  this  «' whistle,"  as  you  call  it, 
suppose  ycu  should  change  your  mind  : 


rCIiXE    1.]  A    BACHELOR    OF   AETS.  25 

Jasp.     You'll  be  no  worse  off —  you'll  have  it  still. 

Wylie.  True  agaiu  !  "Well,  then,  I'll  tell  you  what  it  is  ;  it's  — 
(examines  the  doors  carefully,  to  see  that  no  one  is  within  hearing,  then 
cjines  down  to  Jasper)  — it's  a  —  forged  bill  of  exchange  ! 

Jasp.     (Astonished.)     "What! — of  Mr.  Thornton's  : 

Wi/lie.  No,  of  his  father's  —  a  thing  done  under  very  peculiar  cir- 
cumstances ;  you  and  I  would  hardly  call  it  a  crime.  It  was  a  gen- 
erous impulse  ;  but  the  law  is  severe,  you  know,  and  has  hard  names 
for  every  thing  —  shocking  severe  !  And  although  the  old  gent  is 
dead,  an  exposure  would  naturally  be  very  disagreeable  to  thefanuly. 

Jasp.     I  understand  I     I'll  give  you  the  four  thousand  for  it. 

Wylie.     Payable  now  r 

Jasp.     Xo  ! 

Wylie.     When  :  and  guaranteed  by  whom  : 

Jasp.  Guaranteed  by  nobody.  But  I'll  give  you  my  promissory 
note,  payable —  (aside)  — when  shall  I  say  r  I  have  it  —  payable  (iii 
a  whisper)  the  day  after  my  maniage  with  Miss  Thornton. 

Wylie.  AVith  ^liss  Thornton  I  O,  O  I  I  smell  a  rat !  You  make 
a  swap  with  the  father  ;  he  gives  you  his  daughter  Avith  a  handsom.e 
fortune —  you  give  him  the  "  whistle  "  —  eh  : 

Jasp.     Precisely  so  ! 

Wylie.  Xot  a  bad  scheme  1  You're  a  cunning  dog  I  But  stay  — 
the  old  gent  is  very  indulgent,  and  suppose  the  girl  won't  have  you  ? 

Jc^p.     Emma  :     O,  I've  nothing  to  fear  in  that  quarter. 

Wylie.  Well,  my  dear  Mr.  Jasper,  prove  to  me  that  Miss  Emma 
is  willing  to  become  yoiu:  wife  —  prove  it  to  me,  mind,  and  it's  a 
bargain  1 

Jasp.  (Aside.)  Prove  it!  How  shall  I  manage  that?  I  have 
it;  there's  no  help  for  it,  poor  Emma!  —  (To  him.)  Agreed! 
(Rings  bell.) 

Enter  Matthew,  d.  l.  h.  3  z. 

Tell  your  young  mistress  that  I  -wish  to  speak  with  her,  if  she  pleases, 
immediately.  (Exit  Matthew,  d.  3  e.  ii.  h.)  Now,  go  into  that 
room,  (pointing  to  d.  l.  h.  2  e.,)  leave  the  door  ajar,  aiad  you  shall 
soon  hear  enough  to  convince  you. 

IFy/f'e.     Hum  !      (Scratching  his  nose.) 

Jasp.     Eh  !  your  delicacy  shrinks  from  such  a  stratagem  r 

Wylie.  O  !  Lord  bless  you,  it  isn't  that,  only  I've  hit  upon  a 
better. 

Jasp.     What  is  it : 

Wylie.  You  see,  whenever  it  is  possible,  I  always  like  to  manage 
my  business  myself. 

Jasp.     Do  you  suspect  me  r 

Wylie.  My  dear  friend,  I  suspect  every  body ;  so,  if  you  please, 
I'll  question  the  young  lady,  and  you  shall  listen. 

Jasp.     What  I  do  you  suppose  "it  hkely  she'll  open  her  heart  to  av 
stranger  r 

Wylie.     Leave  that  to  me:  I'll  be  delicate  and  prudent;  and  if 
she  really  loves  jou,  111  defy  her  to  hide  it.     Hark  !  I  hear  a  rustle 
of  a  petticoat  —  to  vour  post  I 
3 


26  A    BACHELOR   OF   ARTS.  [ACT    U. 

Jasp.     "Well,  I  consent,  but  be  careful ! 

Wylie.  Never  fear  !  {^Exit  Jasper,  d.  l.  h.,  2  e.,  leaving  door 
open.)     It  will  be  a  good  spec  for  me  —  a  very  good  spec  ! 

Eiiter  Emma,  d.  r.  h.  3  e.,  in  a  bright  silk  dress,  bird  of  paradise,  SjC. 
(N.  B.  The  dress  must  be  a  fashionable  one,  though  unfit  for  a  young 
girl.) 

Emma.     (r.  c,  astonished.)     ^Ir.  Wylie  ! 

Wxjlie,  Yes,  miss  1  Allow  me  to  compliment  you  on  your  brilliant 
toilet ! 

Emma.  Do  you  like  it  ?  Yes —  I  don't  think  I  look  like  a  child 
in  this.  But  Matthew  told  me  that  Mr.  Jasper  wished  to  speak 
with  me. 

Wylie.  So  he  did  ;  but  his  courage  failed  him  at  the  pinch,  and 
80  he  ran  away. 

Emma.     Ran  away  !     Do  you  know  what  he  wanted  with  me  ? 

Wylie.     I  believe  it  was  to  bid  you  good  by. 

Emma.     Is  he  going  away,  then  ? 

Wylie.    I  think  so  ;  and  never  coming  back  again  ! 

Emma.     Never  coming  back  ? 

Wylie.     Never ! 

Emma.     For  what  reason? 

Wylie.      I  fancy  he's  unhappy. 

Emma.     What  about  ? 

Wylie.      Can't  you  guess  ? 

Emma.     No  ! 

Wylie.     Why,  don't  yoii  know  he's  in  love  with  you? 

Emma.  {Delighted.)  In  love  with  me  !  Well,  that  is  the  last 
think  I  expected  ;  why,  he  was  always  scolding  me,  and  treated  me 
like  a  child ;  thought  me  ugly,  and 

Wylie.     Ah,  that  was  to  hide  his  love  ! 

Emma.     But  why  should  he  hide  it  ? 

Wylie.     Well,  I  don't  know  ;  perhaps  he  thought  you'd  be  angry. 

Emma.  Angry  !  How  could  he  be  so  foolish  ?  he  ought  to  have 
known  better  !     {Alitiost  crying.) 

Wylie.     Do  you  wish  him  to  stay  then  ? 

Emma.     Do  I  wish  it  ?  of  course  I  wish  it !     What  a  question  ! 

Wylie.     But  he'll  love  you  still  more  if  he  does. 

Emma.     I  hope  he  will. 

Wylie.  But  he  hasn't  a  penny  ;  and  if  your  father  refuses  his  con- 
sent to  your  marriage,  and  turns  him  out  of  doors 

Emma.  Ah,  I  wouldn't  care  a  bit  about  that ;  I'd  be  very  ill,  and 
papa  woiild  soon  send  for  him  back  again. 

Wylie.     Then  you  authorize  me  to  tell  Mr.  Jasper 

Emma.     O,  no,  no,  no  !  not  for  the  world  ! 

Enter  Jasper,  d.  l.  h.  2  e. 

Jasp.  Certainly  not !  it  would  be  the  height  of  impropriety  j  be- 
sides, there's  no  occasion. 

Emma.     O  Mr.  Jasper  !  listening  !     This  is  too  bad  ! 


SCENE    I.^  A    BACHELOR   OF    AKTS.  27 

Jasp,     I  couldn't  avoid  it. 

Emma.  And  do  you  refuse  to  dance  the  first  quadrille  witli  me 
now? 

Jasp.     (c.)  No  ;  but  I  accept  on  one  condition. 

Emma.     O,  very  -well ;  what  is  it  ? 

Jasp.     {^Smiling.')     That  you  put  on  your  other  dress  again. 

Emma.  {Delighted.)  Ah!  it  did  look  better,  didn't  it?  I  thought 
so  all  the  time. 

Jasp.     Then  why  did  you  change  it  ? 

Emma.  There's  a  question  !  It  was  to  please  you,  sir  !  But  never 
mind,  I'll  soon  be  back.  {Exit  gayhj,  d.  3  e.  l.  h.) 

Jasp.  Poor  little  soul !  And  to  think  that  I  must  break  that 
guileless  heart,  too  !  —  {To  Wylie.)     "Well,  are  you  satisfied  ? 

Wylie.     Perfectly ! 

Jasp.     Tlien  let  us  lose  no  time.     {Sits  at  table,  c.) 

Wylie,     {Taking  out  pocket  book.)     Stay — we  must  have  a  stamp. 

Jasp.  True !  (Wylie  sits  opposite  Jasper,  giving  him  a  bill 
stamp.) 

Wylie.  For  the  stamp.  (Jasper  gives  him  money.)  Thank  ye. 
Write  it  carefully. 

Jasp.  (  Writing.)  "  One  day  after  my  marriage  vnth  Miss  Emma 
Thornton,  I  promise  to  pay  Mr.  Andrew  Wylie  the  simi  of  four  thou- 
sand pounds." 

Wylie.     Write  that  at  length  —  no  figures. 

Jasp.  "  Four  thousand  pounds,  for  value  received.  —  Henry  Jas- 
per."    There  ! 

Wylie.     What  a  beautiful  thing  calligraphj-  is  !     {Aside.) 

Jasp.     Hark  !  the  guests  are  arriving  —  make  haste  ! 

Wylie.     {Giving  bill.)     There's  your  sword  ! 

Jasp.     And  there's  your  shield  !     {Giving  stamp.) 

Wylie.      {  With  satisfaction.)     Ah  ! 

Jasp.     Ah  !  decidedly,  my  dear  friend,  you're  a  fool ! 

Wylie.     {Alarmed.)     Eh  ? 

Jasp.     A  great  fool. 

Wylie.     How  ? 

Jasp.     You'll  see,  all  in  good  time.   Ha,  ha  !  ha  !  {Exit  c.  d.  l.  h.) 

Wylie.  A  fool !  O,  he  means  that  I  ought  to  have  made  more  of 
it  —  and  so  I  ought  !  I'm  good-natured,  and  people  impose  on  me, 
and  then  laugh  at  me  afterwards.  But  it's  a  very  good  spec,  though, 
for  all  that.  {Exit,  d.  l.  h.  3  e.) 

Enter  Adderly  and  Mrs.  Thorxtox,  d.  r.  h.  3  e. 

Add.  My  dear  Mrs.  Thornton,  I  must  have  one  word  with  you 
alone.  (Mrs.  Thorxtox  sits  by  fire,  R.  Adderly  stands  before  it, 
c,  leaning  his  arm  on  the  majitel-piece.  Jasper  appears,  c.  d.,  and 
watches  them.) 

Mrs.  T.     Mr.  Adderly,  I  don't  understand  you. 

Add.  Promise  me  that  you  will  return  to  this  apartment  after 
you  have  welcomed  your  guests,  and  I  will  explain  myself,  without 
disguise. 


'28  A    BACHELOR    OF   ARTS.  [ACT    II. 

Mrs.  T.  Well,  I  consent,  for  I  require  an  explanation  also  of  the 
extraordinary  note  I  have  received  from  you. 

Add.     Have  you  deigned  to  read  it,  then  ? 

Mrs.  T.  I  have,  sir  ;  and  when  I  come  back  I  intend  to  scold  you 
•well.     Meantime,  remam  in  this  room  ;  I'll  rejoin  j'ou  directlj'. 

Jasp.     So,  so  !     An  appointment,  eh  ?  {Exit,  c.  d.  l.  h.) 

Add.     I  shall  await  your  return  with  the  utmost  impatience. 

{Exit  Mrs.  Thornton,  d.  3  e.  r.  h.) 

Reenter  Jasper,  c.  d.  i.  h. 

Jasp.  (Aside.)  Now  for  a  rubber  with  you,  my  friend.  (To 
him.)     Here's  a  letter  that  some  lady  has  left  for  you,  Adderly. 

Add.     A  letter  !     {Opening  it.)     From  Arabella ! 

Jasjo.     Arabella ! 

Add.  "  Come  to  me  between  eleven  and  twelve."  How  the  deuse 
shall  I  manage  r  I  can' t  cut  myself  in  two !  Stay  —  I  have  it  — 
you  can  arrange  this  for  me. 

Jasp.     How  ? 

Add.  Go  to  Arabella  —  tell  her  I'll  be  with  her  to-morrow. 
Any  thing  to  keep  her  quiet ! 

Jasp.     I'll  do  the  best  I  can  —  but 

Add.     Do  do,  my  dear  Jasper ;  I  shall  be  eternally  obliged  to  you. 

Jasp.     Don't  mention  it,  old  fellow  !     Any  thing  to  be  agreeable. 

{Exit,  C.  D.  L.  H.) 

Add.     Now  I  can  wait  my  chamier's  return  at  my  ease. 

Enter  Adolphus,  d.  3  e.  l.  h. 

Adol.  {Aside.)     There  he  is.  —  {To  him.)     So,  sir  ! 

Add.  Ah  !  how  are  you,  Dolly  ?  ( Offers  his  hand,  which  Adol- 
PHus  refuses.)     Why,  what's  the  matter  with  you  ? 

Adol.  Nothing,  sir. 

Add.  "  Sir  !  "     And  refuse  me  your  hand,  too ! 

Adol.  I  never  give  my  hand  to  people  I  despise. 

Add,  {Astonished.)     Eh  ? 

Adol.  I  know  all,  sir  ! 

Add.  All  what  ? 

Adol.  I  know  that  you  are  expected  at  Heartsease  Cottage  to- 
night. 

Add.  {Aside.)     The  deuse  you  do  ! 

Adol.  I  know  that  you  have  behaved  like  a  scoundrel ! 

Add.  Sir  ? 

Adol.  Sir !     {Fiercely.) 

Enter  Mrs.  Thornton,  d.  3  e.  r.  h. 

Mrs.  T.     Heyday  !     What's  the  matter  here  ? 
Add.     Nothing.     A  joke,  which  my  friend  Adolphus  hasn't  taken 
in  good  part. 

Adol.     That's  all.     A  harmless  joke  —  nothing  more  ;  and  I  find  I 


SCENE    I.]  A    BACHELOR    OF    ARTS.  29 

■was  mistaken.  —  (^Aside  to  Adderly.)  You  and  I  must  meet  again, 
sir  !  (Exit,  D.  3  e.  l.  h.) 

Mrs.  T.     What  does  it  all  mean  ?     (Sits  as  before.) 

Add.  A  little  harmless  pleasantry  —  nothing  of  the  slightest  con- 
sequence.    But  to  return  to  the  subject  of  my  little  note 

Mrs.  2\     Exactly.     What  did  it  mean  ? 

Add.  Was  it  not  clear  ?  The  love  I  there  expressed  was  of  the 
purest,  truest  kind  ! 

Mrs.  T.  That,  jNIr.  Adderly,  you  will  allow  me  to  doubt.  While 
the  audacity  of  such  an  avowal  can  only  be  excused  by 

Add.  By  the  ardor  of  my  passion  !  I  swear  to  you,  you  are  the 
only  woman  in  the  world  who  ever  really  touched  my  heart.  (Mrs. 
Thorntox  shakes  her  head.)     You  doubt  me? 

Mrs.  T.     A  little. 

Enter  Matthew,  d.  3  e.  l.  h. 

Mat.     (To  Adderly.)     A  lady's  below,  inquiring  for  you,  sir. 

Mrs.  T.     A  lady,  at  this  time  of  night ! 

Add.     A  lady  for  me  !     You  must  be  mistaken,  Matthew  ! 

Mat.  No,  I  am  not,  sir.  At  least,  she  asked  for  Mr.  Frederick 
Adderly. 

Adl.     Impossible ! 

Mrs.  T.     Did  she  give  her  name? 

Mat.     Yes,  ma'am.     Miss  Arabella  Mountstewart. 

Add.     Arabella !      (Aside.) 

Mrs.  T.     You  seem  confused,  sir. 

Add.  I  ?  Not  at  all !  —  only  the  astonishment  —  the  surprise  — 
Matthew,  tell  the  lady,  as  I  don't  know  her,  and  am  particularly  en- 
gaged, she  must  excuse  me. 

^lat.     Yes,  sir.     (Going.) 

Add.  (Rapidly  aside  to  Matthew,  slippin/j  a  sovereign  into  his 
hand.)     Tell  her  I'll  be  with  her  in  an  hour. 

(Exit  Matthew,  d.  3  e.  l,  h.) 

Mrs.  T.     It  is  very  strange  ! 

Add.  It  is  some  mistake  —  or  probably  Master  Adolphus  has 
chosen  to  play  oft'  one  of  his  boyish  tricks  on  me,  in  revenge  for  the 
little  joke  I  passed  on  him  just  now. 

Enter  Mattheav,  d.  3  e.  L.  h. 

Mat.     Please,  ma'am  — 

Mrs.  T.     Well? 

Mat.  The  lady  says,  as  Mr.  Adderly  won't  see  her,  she'd  like  to 
speak  with  you. 

Mrs.  T.    "With  me?     But  I'll  see  her. 

Add.  You  wouldn't  think  of  such  a  thing  !  A  Avoman  of  that 
sort  —  a  creature  of  no  character  —  a 

Mrs.  T.     O,  you  do  know  her,  then  ? 

Add.     Not  at  all,  only 

Mrs.  T.     I  will  see  her,  sir.     (Going.) 
3  * 


30  A    BACHELOH   OP   ARTS.  [ACT  11. 

Add.     But  pray  reflect 

Mrs.  T.     I  will  reflect,  sir.  (Exit,  D.  3  e.  l.  h.) 

Add.  How,  in  the  fiend's  name,  shall  I  get  out  of  this  scrape  ? 
—  (To  Matthew.)  You  fool !  didn't  you  understand  what  I  meant 
when  I  gave  you  a  sovereign  ? 

Mat.     Yes,  sir,  perfectly ;  but  the  lady  gave  me  two  ! 

{E.vit,  D.  3  E.  L.  H.) 

Add.  Go  to  the  devil !  Perhaps  there's  still  time  to  —  {going  rap- 
idly up,  is  met  by  Z ^.^veu,  from  c.  d.  l.  h.) 

Jasp.     Are  you  leaving  us  already  ? 

Add.     Eh  !     You  have  not  seen  Ai'abella,  then  ? 

Jasp.     {Coolly.)     Yes,  I  have. 

Add.     And  why  didn't  you  prevent  her  coming  here? 

Jasp.     Prevent  her  !     I  brought  her  ! 

Add.     What ! 

Jasp.     It  was  I  who  brought  her  here ! 

Add.     I  don't  imderstand 

Jasp.  It  is  clear  enough.  You  were  making  love  to  Mrs.  Thorn- 
ton in  her  husband's  absence.  As  he  had  confided  the  honor  of  his  house 
to  my  charge,  I  thought  it  but  just  to  enlighten  the  lady  with  regard 
to  the  true  character  of  her  admirer ;  and,  as  Arabella  seemed  to  me 
to  combine  all  the  requisites  for  eff'ecting  this  illumination,  I  turned 
her  into  a  lamp  and  lighted  her,  and  she's  now  with  Mrs.  Thornton, 
showing  you  up  —  emblazoning  yom-  history  ! 

Add.     My  history  ? 

Jasp.  Exhibiting  your  promise  of  marriage  to  her,  &c.,  &c. ; 
you're  decidedly  bowled  out  in  that  quarter,  my  dear  Adderly. 

Add.  I  understand,  sir.  But  I  presume  you  do  not  for  a  moment 
imagine  that  I  shall  leave  this  impertinence  unpunished. 

Jasp.     !My  dear  fellow,  I  imagine  nothing. 

Add.     You  will  then  hold  yourself  in  readiness  to  give  me 

Jasp.     As  many  bullets  in  the  thorax  as  you  can  possibly  desire. 

Add.     Then  Ave  meet  again,  sir,  the  day  after  to-morrow  ? 

,Tasp.     And  v;\\y  not  to-morrow  ? 

Add.     To-morrow  I  have  a  little  affair  already. 

Jasp,     With  whom,  may  I  ask  ? 

Add.     With  3'our  pupil. 

Jasp.  With  Adolphus  ?  !My  dear  fellow,  I'm  sorry  to  spoil  sport, 
but  that's  impossible  ! 

Add,     What  do  you  say,  sir  ? 

Jasp.  I  say  that  Adolphus  is  a  mere  boy  ;  I  am  his  tutor,  and, 
consequently,  responsible  for  all  his  actions ;  so  )'ou  see  there's  no  rea- 
son why  we  should  not  exchange  shots  to-morrow. 

Add.     You  insist  ? 

Jasp.     I  insist  ! 

Add.      So  be  it,  then.     At  nine  to-morrow  I  will  call  for  you. 

Jasp.     I  shall  be  ready  at  half  past  eight. 

Add.     And  at  half  past  nine,  I  shall  have  given  you  a  lesson. 

Jasp.  Unless  at  five  minutes  before  the  half  hour  I  shall  have 
given  you  one. 

Add.     We  shall  see  ! 

Jasp,     We  shall  see  I 


BCENB   I.]  A   BACHELOR   OF   ARTS.  31 

Enter  Mattheav  luitJi  great-coat  and  hat,  d.  3  E.  L.  H. 

Mat.  {To  Adderly.)  Beg  pardon,  sir;  Mrs.  Thornton  sends  her 
compliments,  and  here's  your  great-coat  and  hat. 

Add.  (  Taking  them,  enraged.)  You  shall  yet  be  made  to  rue  your 
treachery  !  mark  my  words,  sir  ! 

{Exit,  folloiced  by  Matthew,  d.  3  e.  l.  h.) 

Jasp.  That  settles  another  of  them.  {With  feeling.)  Now,  my 
poor  Emma,  your  turn  comes  next  ! 

Enter  Wtlie,  c.  d.  e.  h.,  hurriedhj. 

Wylie.     O,  here  3'ou  are  ! 

Jasp.     What's  the  matter  ?     {Affecting  slight  intoxication.) 

Wylie.  Your  little  intended  is  fidgetting  dreadfully  at  your  ab- 
sence. You  couldn't  treat  her  more  cavalierly  if  you  had  been  mar- 
ried a  month. 

Jasp.  {Laughing.)  Patience,  my  dear  friend!  I'm  going  to  pay 
my  court  directly.  Fred  Adderly  would  make  me  drink  a  glass  or 
two  of  champagne ;  but  now  I'm  ready. 

Wylie.  That's  right !  And  I  say,  pitch  it  strong  !  make  love  in 
yoiir  very  best  style,  now  ! 

Jasp.  Shall  I  r  well,  I  will  !  you  shall  see  !  I'll  astonish  you,  old 
fellow  !  {Exit  gnyly,  c.  d.  r.  h.) 

Wylie.  {Solus.)  Aha!  the  scheme  works  well!  In  a  month 
they'll  be  married,  and  in  a  month  and  a  day  I  touch  the  four  thou- 
sand pounds  ;  he's  in  first-rate  health,  and  not  likely  to  die  in  the 
interim.  Stay  !  a  good  thought !  I'll  go  and  insure  his  life  to-mor- 
row morning  !  I  see  no  obstacle  —  the  father  must  consent,  the  daugh- 
ter does  consent,  I  consent,  Jasper  consents !  But  suppose  he  re- 
tracts !  Pshaw  !  I'm  a  fool  to  dream  of  such  a  thing !  Refuse  to 
marry  a  lovely  girl  with  a  large  fortune,  and  he  not  A\orth  a  penny 
in  the  world  !     Impossible  ! 

Enter  Jasper,  c.  d.  e.  h.,  with  glass  of  wine  in  his  hand,  feigning 
drunkenness. 

Jasp.     Aha  !  there's  that  stupid  old  Daddy  "SVylic  ! 

Wylie.     Eh  ?  why,  what's  the  matter  with  you  r 

Jasp.  Matter  !  I  don't  know  what's  the  matter.  I've  drank  one 
glass  of  port,  just  to  ^^■ash  down  the  champagne,  and  it  has  —  I  think 
I'm  muddled  ! 

Wylie.  With  one  glass  of  wine  ?  Avhcn  I  have  seen  you  take  three 
bottles  at  a  sitting  !  to  be  sure,  port  upon  champagne  is 

Jasp.  Ah  !  isn't  it  r  yes  —  sometimes  one  can  —  and  sometimes 
one  can't  —  it  all  depends  upon  the  state  of  the  system.  Don't 
wiggle-waggle  about  so.  Daddy  Wylie ! 

Wylie.     i? 

Jasp.  Yes  ;  j'ou're  swinging  and  staggering  about,  and  it  makes 
my  head  ache  ! 

Wylie.     It  is  not  me  —  it's  you  ! 


32  A    BACHELOR    OF   AETS.  [ACT  II 

Jasp.  I  ?  —  I'm  tipsy,  then  !  —  that's  ^vhat  they'll  say  next,  I 
s'pose.     (^Laughing) 

Wylie.     Tipsy  !  —  impossible  ! 

Jasp.  Mr.  Andrew  AVy lie,  I  assixre  you  that  I'm  drunk.  (^With 
sobriety.) 

Wylte.  {Astonished.')  Eh  ?  —  there  !  —  there !  —  you're  not,  you  see ! 

Jasp.     {Resuming  tipsiness.)     Ain't  I  thou2;h,  really  ? 

Wylie.  Now  you're  begimiing  again  !  —  O,  come  !  —  this  is  all  a 
joke. 

Jasp.  {In  jiatural  voice.')  Not  a  bit  of  it  !  — your  health  !  {Loud- 
ly.)    Hip  I  —  hip! — hip! — hurrah!     {Shaking  glass.) 

Wylie.  Hush  !  —  you  had  better  get  into  your  own  room  before 
any  body 

Jasp.  I  can't.  I've  got  to  open  the  ball  with  the  young  lady  of 
the  house ! 

Wylie.  But,  you  unhappy  creature,  if  you  go  in  this  state,  it  ■v\'ill 
upset  our  marriage  altogether. 

Jasp.     Don't  you  see,  dear  Andrew,  it'll  prove  her ! 

Wyli£.     Prove  her  ? 

Jasp.  Yes ;  if  she  dances  with  me  tipsy,  she  loves  me.  If  she 
gets  angry,  and  don't,  she  doesn't  love  me;  and  Harry  Jasper's  wife 
must  adore  him  ;  so  I'll  go  and  dance. 

Wylie.     But  I  won't  allow  you  !  —  suppose  she  takes  offence? 

Jasp.     Then  I'll  marry  some  one  else,  Andrew. 

Wylie.  Somebody  else !  But  my  promissorj'  note  is  payable  the 
day  after  your  marriage  with  Miss  Emma  Thornton,  and  not  vi-ith 
any  body  else ! 

Jasp.     I  can't  marry  a  woman  who  don't  love  me,  Daddy  Wylie. 

Wylie.     Stuff!  what  has  love  to  do  with  it  ? 

Jasp.     Do  you  want  me  to  be  unhappy  for  life,  Andrew  ? 

Wylie.     I  want  my  four  thousand  pounds. 

Jcisj}.     "Well,  you  shall  have  it,  if  she  perseveres,  Wylie. 

Wylie.     But  if  she  don't  r 

Jasp.     Then  you  can't  have  it,  Andrew  ! 

Wylie.     O  !  —  {To  himseff.)     This  is  a  honid  trap  ! 

Jasp.  {Laughing.)  I  told  vou  vou  were  an  old  fcol,  daddy,  now 
didn't  I? 

Wylie.  Now,  Jasper,  my  dear  Jasper,  do  go  to  your  own  room  ;  in 
the  name  of  all  that's  honorable 

Jasp.  Honorable  !  Now,  don't  talk  of  -what  you  know  nothing 
about  ! 

Wylie.  Well,  in  the  name  of  all  that's  friendly  —  for  you  know  I 
am  your  friend 

Jasp.     Don't  insult  me,  Mr.  Wylie  ! 

Wylie.     But  Jasper  —  my  dear  Jaspier  ! 

Enter  Adolphus,  Emma,  and  !Mrs.  Thorxtox,  c.  d.  l.  h. 

O !  it's  all  over  with  me  ! 

Adol.  (l.,  gay/y.)  Come,  Jasper,  you  forget  that  you're  engaged 
for  the  first  dance  to  niy  sister,  and  that  I  am  your  vis-a-vis. 


SCENE    I.]  A   BACIIELOK,   OF   ARTS.  '      33 

Jasp.     (r.  c.)     Not  at  all;  I'm  looking  for  my  partner. 
Emma.     (l.  c,  eacjerly.')     Here  I  am  ! 
Jasp.     O,  very  well  !     (  Taking  her  hand.')     Come  along  ! 
Emma.     Mercy  upon  me  !  what's  the  matter  with  you  ? 

•  Jasp.     With  me  ? — nothing!     {Staggers.) 

Emma.  Good  gracious,. Adolphus  !  look  !  Mr.  Jasper  can  scarce- 
ly stand  ! 

•  Adol.     {With  interest.)     Are  you  ill,  Jasper  ?    It  is  the  heat  of  the 
room,  perhaps. 

Wylie.  {Eagerly.)  Yes  —  yes  —  it  is  the  heat  of  the  room  —  he 
told  me  so  just  now. 

Jasp.  That's  a  taradiddle,  daddy  !  —  It's  this  old  scamp,  Andrew 
Wylie,  made  me  drink  the  port  wine  after  the  champagne. 

Adol.      ^ 

Emma.  >    What ! 

Mrs.  T.  ) 

Wylie.     Me ! 

Jasp.  {To  Adolphus.)  You  know  I  told  you  to  beware  of  port, 
especially  after  champagne.  I'll  go  and  have  some  claret  to  carry  it 
off!      {Taking  a  step  or  two.) 

Adol.     {Detaining  him.)     Nay,  sir  !  — 

Emma.     O  !   this  is  frightful ! 

Mrs.  T.     Scandalous  ! 

Wylie.  I'm  ruined !  My  dear  madam,  we  all  have  our  little 
weaknesses  !  —  {To  Emma.)  I'm  sure  he'll  make  you  a  capital  hus- 
band, ISIiss  Emma  —  I'd  give  him  my  own  daughter  with  pleasure,  if 
I  had  one  —  but  I  haven't ! 

Mrs.  T.     You  are  mad,  sir  !     (Wylie  sinks  into  a  chair.) 

Jasp.     Well  —  come  along  —  let's  go  and  dance  ! 

Adol.     Jasper !     {Detaining  him.^ 

Jasp.     I've  a  right  to  my  dance  —  I  will  have  my  dance  ! 

Adol.     I  beg,  sir,  that  you  will  retire  to  your  own  apartment. 

Jasp.     And  sui:)pose  I  won't  ? 

Adol.  Here!  {Calling.)  Matthew!  Joseph!  Henry!  {Enter 
Servants,  d.  3  e.  l.  ii.)  Conduct  Mr.  Jasper  instantly  to  his  own 
room  ! 

Jasp.  {Seizing  a  chair.)  The  first  man  who  advances  I'll  blow 
his  brains  out !     {The  Servants  recoil.) 

Enter  Thornton,  d.  3  e.  l.  h. 

Emma.     {Going  to  him.)     Ah  !  my  dear  papa  !     {Embrace.) 
Jasp.     {Surprised,  nnintetitionally  at  the  rtioment  forgetting  his  as- 
sumed tipsincss.)     Mr.  Thornton  !      {Instantly  recollecting  himself  and 
reasxumiiig  inebriety.)     Mr.  Thornton  !     Tableau  !     Blue  fire  ! 
Wylie.     There  only  wanted  that  to  complete  it  !     {To  himself.) 

Enter  IMattuew,  d.  3  e.  l.  ii. 

Mat.  {Aside  to  Wylie.)  Mr.  Adderly  wishes  to  spealc  to  you  di- 
rectly, sir. 


Sft  A.   BACESXjOK  07  ^Bld.  [ACT   H. 

WyKe.  (Gmm^.)  What  the  deril  does  he  irantr  Somctlung 
ficsh,  I  suppose.  {Ejcit,  d.  3  e.  i.  h.) 

Jtap.     Tberev  go  and  ki^  tout  daddy ! 

nortu  I  had  hoped,  Sir.  Jaqier,  that  in  making  the  appeal  vrhich 
I  did  to  joor  loTaltr  and  good  lieeUng,  I  should  be  awaking  some  sen' 
timents  of  honor  and  filial  duty  in  yonr  heait. 

Jasp.     (  To  Adoi>)     Do  you  hear  this,  young  man  r 

Thorm.  I  vas  mistakeii.  You  have  dLsgiaccfully  violated  your 
trust !  I  confided  the  care  of  my  house  to  you  as  a  Mend  —  I  drive 
yon  from  it  as  I  dianld  a  lackey ! 

Jaap.     Sr  r 

Slant.     Begone,  sir ! 

Emama.     (JLude-S     O  Hearen ! 

Jasp.  {StiUfoffiUmg  tM^rietjf.)  Mr.  Thornton,  I  dxm't  think  I 
hare  TiolaXed  my  trust,  thoo^  I  may  have  violated  the  laws  of  tem- 
perance and  good  breeding.  —  (7b  £Joljl.)  But  it  was  with  no  had 
intention,  miss.  —  (^Resmmiiuf  sobrietgJ)  It  was  with  no  bad  intention, 
beiieTeme! 

Thorn.     (^Aatoiusied.')    'What  doe  he  say  r 

Jayt.     I  say,  I  think  m  go  and  pack  up  my  portmanteau. 

(Eri/,  D.  L.  H.  2  E.) 

TJkor*.  What  a  foci  I  was  to  confide  my  son  to  the  care  of  this 
inetidied  creature ! 

AdoL  (B.)  Mt  dear  lather.  I  am  rgoiced  that  yon  have  returned. 
If  my  past  conduct  has  caused  you  uneasiness,  I  beseech  you  to  for- 
gave me.  You  wished  me  to  many  my  couan  Isabella  —  I  refused, 
but  if  you  still  wish  it,  I  will  not  oppose  your  d^ires. 

Thoru.  (c,  ddiyiitd,}  My  dear  Adolphus  —  a  change  like 
this 

Emuma.  (l.  c^,  rt^rainiM^  her,  tear*.')  And  I,  papa,  will  obey 
you  also.  I  didn't  like  Mr.  Yillais  whfaa  you  fiist  pst^osed  him,  but 
I  do  now,  and  I  am  ready  to  become  Ins  wife  to-mcHTow,  if  you 


Tkorm.  My  darling  ^ai,  yon  can't  ccradfciTe  the  pleasure  you  give 
me :  for,  £tom  the  tone  c£  your  lettos,  I  had  feared 

Emmtu    Feared  what,  p^n  t 

Tkonu  Nothing,  nothing !  Thanks,  my  dear  children  —  you 
have  made  your  &ther  very,  Tczy  happy ! 

Eater  "Wytni,  d.  3  z.  i.  h. 

But  I  have  a  little  bnsmes  to  transact  with  Mr.  Wylie,  and  111  le- 
joinyoa  shortly. 

Emma.     It  will  break  my  heart,  bat  I  don't  care ! 

{Exit  letth  AimuHCS,  c.  n.  b.  h.) 

Thorn.  Xow,  Mr.  Wyhe,  I  have  to  ^peak  to  you  about  two  im- 
portant matteis.  first,  ^th  r^;ard  to  my  son  and  daughter,  who 
are  both  about  to  be  married  Toy  shcRtly.  I  need  net  tell  you  that 
they  cannot  fiinn  connections  with  families  of  unblemished  honor,  as 
ong  as  yon  retain  poGEes<dan  of  that  unhappy  tall. 

Wylie.     (i_  c.)  Eh :- 


6CESB   L]  a   BACOELOB  OF  ASTB.  35 

7%on».  It  is  high  time  Has  shoald  end,  sr !  Name  any  reaama- 
Ue  sam  for  me  to  give  in  exchange  for 

Wylie.  Sam  —  in  exchange  far  —  come,  yoa're  joking,  Ifr.  Tbocn- 
ton. 

Tikom.    I  seldom  jest,  and  never  upon  matters  of  importance. 

Wj/lie.  O,  this  is  ixxiise  and  worse ;  ifs  excmdating !  The  In- 
qmsitifHi  never  inrented  any  thing  to  equal  it ! 

Thorn,     (a.  c.)  Really,  ar 

Wyli«.     AtiH  don't  you  know 

Thorn,     Know  what  ? 

WyUe.     I  haven't  got  it  now ! 

Thorn.     Have  not  got  it  ? 

Wtflie.    He  has  robbed  me  rf  it !  —  :he  xilliir.  !  —  ihe  ragabcnd ! 

Thorn.     He?    "Who? 

Wylie.     Your  diabolical  tutor  ! 

Thorn.     Mr.  Javier !  for  what  purp^-:  • 

Wylie.     How  shoald  I  know  ?    Pot  -  ■ -.I^rlzig  — e 

first,  and  yoa  afterwards. 

Thorn.  '  O,  I  can't  helieve  that  rf  him  ! 

Wylie.  Bat  I  tdl  you  ifs  true;  he  (tiered  me  ftrar  tzrzMr.i 
pounds,  payable  the  day  after  his  marriage  with  yoor  danghter. 

Thorn.  {Astounded.)  With  my  daughter?  3But  how  were  you 
so  foolish  as  to  believe 

Wylie.  How  ?  how,  indeed !  but  all  the  world  woald  have  be- 
lieved !  tfaoe  isn't  a  man  in  London  that  wouldn't  hare  been  can^t 
in  the  same  trap  !  Wliy,  I  questioned  her  mysd:!^  here  in  this  rery 
room,  and  she  consented  ! 

Thorn.     She  loves  him  then ;  I  feared  «:  much. 

Wylie.  Then  I  gave  him  the  paper  for  his  promissOTT  not^  and 
then  the  scamp  gets  drunk,  or  pretends  to  be  dmiik. 

Thorn.  (^Startled.)  Eh  r  pretends !  Did  all  this  occnr  this  even- 
ing? 

Wylie.     Xot  half  an  hour  before  you  came  home ! 

Thorn.     And  you  think  that  his  dmnkenness  was  not  teal  * 

Wylie.     I'd  take  an  oath  of  it ! 

Thorn.     {Aside.)     Ah,  I  b^in  to  oomprdiend. 

Wylie.  Bat  that  isn't  all ;  he's  been  goeng  it  in  every  ^rectian. 
He  boought  Aiabdla  here — a  woman  of  very  queer  character;  she 
sent  xqt  to  a^  foa-  Mr.  Addeiiy  b^ore  Mis.  Thornton's  &cc;  and  when 
he  wouldn't  see  her,  FU  be  shot  if  the  girl  didn't  insist  on  yyrfng  Mis. 
Thornton  hetsdf  \  and  tcM  her  all  about  Addetly's  condact  —  showed 
her  a  promise  of  marriage  of  his  —  and  then  Mi&  Thomtan  turned 
him  out  of  doors  ;  and  when  this  Jasper  came  in,  he  confessed  it  was 
he  who  had  done  it  aU  on  purpose  to  expose  his  £dend ! 

Thorn.     {CooUy.)     Indeed! 

Wylie.  O  !  that's  not  all,  even !  Tour  son  Adolphns  hs  had  a 
desperate  qnarrel,  too,  with  the  same  Arabella,  with  whom  he  was 
passionately  in  love ;  yon  didn't  know  it ;  but  hs  was  :  —  and  now 
that's  all  luoke  off;  and  then  he  was  going  to  fight  a  dud  with  his 
'riend  Adderly  —  a:id  now  Jasper's  going  to  fight  it  instead ;  and,  in 
hart,  the  whole  house  is  tamed  topsy-turvy,  for  I  tell  yon  this  Jae- 


36  A    BACHELOR   OP   ARTS.  [ACT   II. 

per's  a  perfect  devil  —  he's  ruined  every  thing  and  every  body  !  —  it's 
horrible  ! 

Thorn.     Who  is  5'our  authority  for  all  this  ? 

Wylie.     ^Ir.  Adderly  himself —  I  had  it  from  his  own  lips  ! 

Thorn.  And  what  do  you  gather  from  all  that  you  have  been  re- 
counting to  me  ? 

Wylie.  Gather  ?  I  gather  the  fact  that  Mr,  Harry  Jasper  has 
regularly  put  me  under  the  pump,  and  that  instead  of  having  to  deal 
with  me  about  that  paper,  you'll  have  to  deal  with  him  ! 

Thorn.     And  he  appears  to  be  a  very  terrible  man  ? 

Wijlie.  O,  he  is,  sir  !  He's  worse  than  I  am  —  a  thousand  times 
worse  than  I  am  ! 

Thorn.  Whatever  he  may  be,  he  has  relieved  me  from  the  disgust 
and  discomfort  I  feel  at  your  presence,  and  that's  a  service  for  which 
I  can  scarcely  pay  too  highly.  (  Takes  out  pocket  book.)  Give  me  his 
promissory  note,  and  I'll  f)ay  you  for  it. 

Wylie.  O,  certainly!  with  very  great  pleasure!  —  (Aside.)  I 
never  expected  to  get  the  cash  for  this.  {Takes  out  bill.)  There  it 
is,  sir. 

Thorn.     And  there  is  your  money,  sir.     (Gives  bank  notes.) 

Wylie.  Thank  ye ;  you  were  always  a  liberal  man,  Mr.  Thorn- 
ton, that's  a  fact!  (Looking  at  notes  —  he  starts.)  Eh?  why  — 
what's  this  ? 

Thorn.  (Coolly.)  Four  thousand  pounds,  I  believe;  have  I  mis- 
counted ?  They  are  country  notes,  but  I  think  you'll  acknowledge 
on  a  very  good  firm  —  Jones  &  Co.  of  Huddersfield. 

Wylie.     (Aside.)     Death  and  the  devil  !     I'm  done  again  ! 

Thorn.  Ilark  ye,  Mr.  Wylie !  When  this  conversation  com- 
menced, I  told  you  I  had  two  important  matters  to  arrange  with  you  ; 
one  was  that  on  which  Ave  have  been  conversing  ;  the  other  is  this  : 
My  old  friend,  !Mr.  John  Jasper,  of  Liverpool,  having  lately,  by 
chance,  heard  that  Jones  and  Company  had  opened  a  discounting  es- 
tablishment in  London,  commissioned  me  to  get  these  notes  cashed ; 
I  believe  I  am  presenting  them  to  the  right  party  —  am  I  not  ? 

Wylie.  Sir  !  Mr.  Thornton  —  I  —  (furiously)  —  confound  Jones 
and  Jasper,  and  the  whole  set  of  you  !     (About  to  exit  in  a  rage.) 

Thorn.     Stay,  sir  !  does  young  IlaiTy  Jasper  owe  you  any  money  ? 

Wylie.  (Furiously.)  Yes,  he  does  !  Three  hundred  and  twenty 
pounds  ;  and  moreover,  I  hold  his  cognovit  for  it,  and  if  I  don't  clap 
him  in  limbo  before  twenty-four  hours  are  over,  may  I  be 

Thorn.  (  Very  coolly.)  I  have  another  thousand  pounds  of  Jones 
and  Company's  notes  here.    I'll  pay  you,  sir  ! 

Wylie.     I'll  —  I'll  —  I'll  —  the  devil  take  you  all ! 

(Exit  furiously,  D.  3  E.  L.  H.) 

Thorn.  (Calling  after  him.)  Matthew  !  open  the  door  for  Mr. 
Wylie ! 

Enter  Jasper  with  portmanteau,  d.  l.  ii.  2  e. 

Jasp.  Matthew  !  Matthew  !  (Sees  Mr.  Thornton.)  Excuse  me, 
Mr.  Thornton,  I  only  require  one  of  the  servants  to  carry  this  to 

Thorn.  One  moment,  sir  !  Your  inebriety  seems  to  have  left  you 
somewhat  suddenly. 


SCENE    I.]  A   BACHELOR   OF   ARTS.  37 

Jasp.  Yes  ;  I've  dipped  my  head  into  a  basin  of  cold  water  ;  it's 
a  first-rate  remedy  ! 

Thorn.  Sir,  I  have  been  informed  of  all  that  you  have  been  doing 
here  this  evening ;  you  have  introduced  a  person  of  equivocal  charac- 
ter into  my  house  —  into  the  presence  of  my  wife ;  you  have  been 
practising  on  the  affections  of  my  daughter  —  involved  my  son  in  a 
duel  with  his  dearest  friend  —  have  insulted  one  of  my  guests  —  have 
got  tipsy  —  in  short,  there  is  no  species  of  atrocity  of  wliich  you  have 
not  been  guilty. 

Jasp.     It  is  useless  to  recall  the  past,  sir. 

Thorn.  And  therefore  I  have  the  pleasure  to  inform  you  that  I 
approve  of  your  conduct,  and  I  thank  you  with  all  my  heart ! 

Jasp.     Eh  r  you  know  all  ?  and  yet 

Thorn.  Harry  Jasper,  {loith  emotion,)  I  do  know  all !  I  have 
heard  all  —  I  understand  all !     Can  you  forgive  me  ? 

Jasp.     Ah,  sir ! 

Thorn.     My  daughter  loves  you  —  can  you  return  that  love  ? 

Jasp.     Can  I  return  it  ? 

Thorn.  She  is  yours,  if  you  choose  to  become  one  of  a  family  on 
wliich  a  fearful  stain  of  dishonor  rests. 

Jasp.  Dishonor  !  who  dares  say  that  ?  Let  them  produce  their 
proofs  !     (^Takes  bill  from  his  pocket  and  puts  it  into  the  fire,  R.  H.  2  e.) 

Thorn.  {Gazing  at  the  hurninr)  pajier.)  You  are  right,  Harry. 
{Shakes  him  by  the  hand.)     My  friend,  my  son  ! 

Jasp.  I  the  husband  of  Emma  !  O,  if  she  could  but  know  what 
the  struggle  cost  me  to  impress  a  seal  upon  my  hps,  and  coldness  on 
my  countenance !  Can  I  believe  my  senses  ?  Harry  Jasper,  the 
gambler  —  the  libertine  —  the  spendthrift  —  once  more  received  into 
the  world  —  once  more  restored  to  his  place  in  society  —  and  walking 
with  head  erect,  and  joyful  heart,  among  the  good  and  honorable  of 
the  land  !  Unlooked-for  happiness  !  {Suddenly  to  himself.')  But  I 
forget  that  infernal  promissory  note  !  —  {To  him.)  No,  Mr.  Thorn- 
ton, after  all,  this  marriage  can  never  take  place  ! 

Thorn.  {Smiling.)  Why  so  ?  I'd  wager  I  can  guess  !  You  are 
somewhat  heavily  in  debt  ? 

Jasp.     I  am,  indeed  —  very  heavily ! 

Thorn.  {Takes  out  note,  shows  it  to  Jasper,  then  crosses  to  K.  H., 
puts  it  into  the  fire.)  Who  dares  say  that,  Harry?  Let  them  pro- 
duce their  proofs ! 

Jasp.     Ah,  Sir  !     {Shakes  his  hand.) 

Enter  Adolphus,  Emma,  and  Mrs.  Thornton,  c.  d.  r.  h. 

Thorn.  Ah,  my  dear  Adolphus,  let  me  introduce  you.  to  my  daugh- 
ter's husband. 

Emma.     Mr.  Jasper  !     Mr.  Jasper  !     {Aside.) 

Mrs.  T.     What,  Emma's  husband  ?  —  a  person  who 

Thorn,  (r.  h.,  aside  to  her.)  Who  has  saved  you  from  nusery 
and  ruin.  —  {To  Emma.)     But  you  are  silent,  Emma ! 

Emma.     (l.  c.)  Well,  papa,  I'm  sure  I'll  do  any  thing  you  wish 
—  only  he  ought  to  promise  not  to  get  tipsy  in  this  way  again. 
4 


38  A    BACHELOR    OF    ARTS.  [ACT    II. 

Jasp.  (c.)  Well,  I  think  I  may  promise  never  to  get  tipsy  in  this 
•way  again  ! 

Thorn.  And  now,  Harry,  I  have  the  happiness  to  inform  you  that 
your  father's  health  is  restored.  You  will  be  pleased,  too,  to  learn 
that  I  have  luckily  been  able  to  recover  a  bad  debt  of  upwards  of  four 
thousand  pounds  for  hinr.  You  yourself  shall  take  the  amount  down 
to  Liverpool  to-morrow,  and  I  have  no  doubt  he  wiU  be  able  to  return 
to  London  -with  you  in  a  few  days,  and  bestow  his  blessing  on  your 
union. 

Jasp.  What  unexpected  happiness !  My  having  answered  your 
advertisement,  Mr.  Thornton,  was  an  inspiration.  And  having  suc- 
ceeded so  far  beyond  all  my  hopes,  egad,  I  shall  advertise  again. 

Emma.     What !  —  for  another  situation  ? 

Jasp.  No,  my  darling  —  not  exactly  that,  for  I'm  quite  contented 
with  my  present  one.  But  you'll  see  in  The  Times  to-morrow  morn- 
ing, and  every  morning  till  further  notice,  in  the  very  best  part  of 
their  columns,  just  above  the  leading  article,  an  announcement, 
headed  — 

<'THE  BACHELOR  OF  ARTS,"  EVERY  EVENING. 


SITUATIONS. 
MK.THOR^TOX.     MBS.  Thorxxok.    Jasp.k.    e^tm..    Adox,^^ 
n.  H.  CURTAIN.  i.  a 


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